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Makers of Popular Baby Launcher Announce Recall

By   103 days ago

boing final

A recall has been announced by The Ziffman Company of Short Hills, N.J., regarding their wildly popular baby launcher – the Toddler Tosser 7000. 3,000 Toddler Tosser launch units, which are said to account for more than fifty percent of the company’s total revenues, were sold in the past six months alone. Sporting goods and toy stores alike were feverishly pulling unsold units off shelves as late as yesterday. “It’s a real shame that we have to yank these things off the shelves so close [...]

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Max Has A Fun Plan For Horrible Sister, Ruby, After A Recent Viewing of Fatal Attraction

By   133 days ago

ruby red

When Max, he of the popular kids television show Max and Ruby, sat down to watch a little television on a recent rainy Saturday afternoon, he had no concrete plan in place to do away with his insufferable, bossy sister, Ruby. But upon watching the famous Fatal Attraction scene in which Glenn Close murders a bunny rabbit in a pot of  boiling water, that all changed. “I think this will be really really easy because I don’t need any special equipment or bullets or anything,” [...]

Former Child Actor Finding Roles For Cowardly, Bald-headed Namby-pamby Whiners Hard To Come By.

By   163 days ago

old caillou

Gary Coleman, Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges, Macaulay Culkin – we’re all too familiar with the struggles aging child actors encounter as they attempt the transition from child to adult actor. But the aforementioned had one thing going for them that Caillou does not. And that is: they were not reviled by millions of people, as Caillou most certainly has become. “Caillou has two huge strikes against him,” said talent agent Melissa Hennessey of Hennessey & Coughlin. “Not only is he dealing with the classic child [...]

10-year-old Luke Collins of 255 West 95th Street (apartment 2B) Between Broadway and Amsterdam Blamed for Current Flu Season.

By   188 days ago

luke

    The terrible flu season that caused many of us to spend December and much of January in the bathroom, missing out on holiday revelry and work obligations, has been traced back to this little boy: 10-year-old Luke Collins of 255 West 95th Street, between Broadway and Amsterdam, apartment 2B. Pinpointing the sole cause of a flu such as this is a first for The Center of Disease Control in Washington, who are appealing to New Yorker’s understanding and compassion to resist the urge [...]

Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Christmas Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Chocolate Juggs Magazine And Penis Pump

By   217 days ago

choco juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had been hoping to find, little Henry Whitin instead unearthed his father’s stack of Chocolate Juggs magazines and a bright red Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding the already upsetting situation was Henry’s decision to then parade the items into the living room during the neighborhood bridge tournament held at his parents Queens home. “Highlight of the year, no doubt,” beamed an amused Richard McLeod, one of the [...]

Multifaith Family’s Christmas Tree Torched by Intolerant Menorah

By   225 days ago

menora

Religious zealotry reared its ugly head in an otherwise harmonious New Jersey home last week as an obstinate menorah set fire to a thirteen-year-old douglas fir just hours after being erected and decorated. The Jewberg family tree was set ablaze during the early morning hours of December 8th, according to Ari Jewberg, the family’s most senior Jew. “Had I not heard [family dog] Saully’s barks, this would have turned out much differently,” he said. “I shudder to think how badly this could have ended.” The [...]

Mother of Plus-Size Baby Model Spending Daughter’s Earnings On Vaginal Rejuvenation

By   250 days ago

A Staten Island mother of three has raised the ire of the plus-size baby modeling community by proudly divulging her plan of using her daughter’s modeling earnings to bring her once svelte, slim vagina back to pre-children shape. “It’s disgusting,” remarked Carol Aftenberg, who manages her own plus-size daughter’s “burgeoning” career. “The idea of dipping into my little Amber’s bank account to fund a vanity project such as this is unthinkable. This money should be set aside for furthering the girl’s education or real estate, not shrinking her mother’s hoo-ha; although, off the record, I’ve heard it is really huge.” The woman at the center of the fire storm, Dierdre Culkin, made her rejuvenation plan known during one of daughter Caitlin’s recent photo shoots, at which several mothers of plus-size baby models were present. “She thinks nothing of flat-out stealing her child’s earnings for the procedure,” said Abby Hill. “Her rationale [...]

Minivan Sticker a Painful Reminder of Adopted Boy’s Place in Family

By   252 days ago

car with stickers

For as long as he can remember, Trang Silverberg’s parents have expressed their love and support for the adopted Korean 11-year-old, reassuring him that they will always love him just as much as his siblings. “They always say, ‘we love you just like your normal brother and sister!’ said Trang, in a recent phone interview. “But I’m starting to not believe them.” Trang, the family’s eldest child, was adopted by James and Anne Silverberg after the couple was informed that she was unable to conceieve – a diagnoses proven flat-out wrong, as Mrs. Silverberg gave birth to beautiful, healthy twins Kevin and Erin the very next year. “We went into Trang’s adoption thinking that we would never have our own children,” said Mr. Silverberg. “And then…BAM!…Anne gets pregnant with twins. So we have little Trang over here and I’m like, ‘man, all that paperwork and money we spent…for nothing! TONS [...]