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Personalized “Self-Elf” Keeps Adults On Their Best Holiday Behavior

By   18 days ago

self elf

What if there were a tiny little you perched up on your living room bookcase, watching your every move this holiday season? Would its presence make you think twice before reaching for that ninth piece of double-nut fudge? Would it instill enough shame to make you reconsider “topping off” your eggnog with the whiskey flask you keep hidden under the couch cushion whenever the wife runs to the bathroom or goes to check on a boiling pot? Well, the makers of the new Self-Elf (courtesy of [...]

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White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   50 days ago

parenteer editor

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” [...]

Toddler’s Toothpaste Primary Cause of Cavities, Tooth Decay

By   57 days ago

kids toothpaste

Maria Sanchez knew drastic measures were in order during a recent pre-Halloween party she attended with her son, three-year-old Ricky. Little Ricky, adorably dresssed as Thomas the Train, was asked to remove his novelty gag teeth before bobbing for apples. If only it had been that easy. “My boy’s teeth had gotten so bad, people actually thought they were joke teeth,” said a visibly upset Sanchez. “It broke my heart, but in a way it was a blessing…a wake-up call of sorts. We were at [...]

Gifted/Talented Students to Get Longer Buses

By   58 days ago

long bus

It’s been three long years in the works, but the parents of the city’s gifted/talented have finally gotten their wish: longer buses for their brilliant children. “It just goes to show you, perseverance pays off – especially when the cause, or need, in this case – is such an obvious one,” said Gail Barton, whose son, Asher, is enrolled in the gifted/talented program at P.S. 75. “The other mothers and fathers got the ball rolling with a huge letter-writing campaign directed at city education officials [...]

Devastating Upper West Side Blaze – Killing Eleven and Seriously Injuring thirty-five – Easily Best Day in Fire Engine-Loving Toddler’s Life!

By   64 days ago

kid w- blaze

A six-alarm fire swept through a huge swath of Columbus Avenue on Saturday, taking the lives of eleven souls, injuring dozens more, and destroying scores of homes and businesses. Firefighters from seven different Manhattan ladder companies responded to the fire, which was said to have caused upwards of 100 million in damages. “I think the last time I seen (sic) a fire like this was back in ‘85. They called it the ‘85 blaze,” said Columbus avenue resident Randy Hitler (no relation!) “That was a [...]

Blankie Intentionally Left Behind at Playdate

By   76 days ago

smug child

MANIPULATIVE, SNEAKY STAPLE OF THE SERIAL DATER PAYS OFF FOR LITTLE NOAH BRADLEE. “Oh, I left my earrings at your house last night, can I come get them?” “Hmm, I seem to have left my cell phone somewhere in your bedroom last night, looks like we’ll have to meet up today, doesn’t it?” We all remember these classic dating ploys – used as an excuse to pick up the conversation“the day after…” without appearing too desperate. Little Noah Bradlee, five, successfully pulled the maneuver Friday [...]

New Carbon Monoxide Detector Detects, Redistributes Snooze-Inducing Gas at The Push of a Button!

By   80 days ago

final carbon monoxide device

Bribery didn’t work. Threats didn’t work. And no earplug known to man could quell the constant crying and whining 32-year-old Anil Sukhuja-Woon (no relation!) was faced with on a recent Friday evening. Fortunately, her husband Carl had recently installed the Dozen-500 Carbon Monoxide Redistribution system. Not fifteen minutes later, the children were silent – blissfully dozing away in various states of unconsciousness, allowing Anil to settle in for what would become a 13-hour Dancing With the Stars marathon on TBS (Very Funny!) “When we hear stories [...]

Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   106 days ago

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” or “googley-boobs,” effect millions of U.S. women. The results of the study, which sampled ten thousand U.S. women’s breasts, caused quite a commotion in the arena of child development studies. “We had long suspected that children raised on formula might suffer later in life, based on the simple fact that a mother unwilling to breast-feed clearly doesn’t love her child very much. But to see actual, physical anomalies as a result of formula-feeding is really extraordinary, and wholly unexpected,” said Dr. Carl Yastremski of the Taft Research Institute. The results of the study, which have [...]