Today's Headlines View All →

Westchester Woman Celebrates Cinco de Mayo By Making Brief Eye-Contact With Landscaper

By   16 days ago

jose rodriguez

Cynthia Hines, of Scarsdale, let her woke flag fly by initiating (and maintaining) 1.5 seconds of steady eye contact with landscaper, Jose Luis, as her way of celebrating Cinco de Mayo. “My hope is that this gesture helps to dispel the notion that people from Scarsdale are snobs or exclusionary in any way,” said Hines. “Everybody deserves respect and eye-contact on occasion. And as I understand it, Cinco de Mayo is as important to these people as Christmas, so it seemed like a nice time [...]

Read More →

Japanese Company’s ‘Limited Edition Figit Spinners’ Actually Just Over-Stocked, Repackaged Throwing Stars

By   274 days ago

figit spinner final

A Japanese company is facing heavy fines and possible criminal charges for repackaging and selling its massive overstock of dangerous throwing stars. The throwing stars, sold as Limited Edition Figit (SIC) Spinners, has been blamed for serious (though non life-threatening), injuries in over twenty-six countries, including fourteen in the U.S. “The injuries have primarily been semi-deep lacerations,” said Andrew McKay of The Roseville Trauma Center in Roseville, Connecticut. “And on their own, these lacerations are hardly life-ending, but when you account for the fact that [...]

Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   284 days ago

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” or “googley-boobs,” effect millions of U.S. women. The results of the study, which sampled ten thousand U.S. women’s breasts, caused quite a commotion in the arena of child development studies. “We had long suspected that children raised on formula might suffer later in life, based on the simple fact that a mother unwilling to breast-feed clearly doesn’t love her child very much. But to see actual, physical anomalies as a result of formula-feeding is really extraordinary, and wholly unexpected,” said Dr. Carl Yastremski of the Taft Research Institute. The results of the study, which have [...]

Dad Jeans Top Button Perfectly Aligned With Belly Button

By   294 days ago

dad jeans copy

A Pelham, New York, dad proclaimed victory after perfectly aligning the top button of his light denim L.L. Bean dungarees with his belly button. “I have to give credit to the people at Beans [L.L. Bean], for making a terrific pair of slacks,” said 43-year-old Jason Messner. “They’ve got just the right amount of elastic in the waistband, which allows for great stretch but isn’t terribly unsightly. They’re just wonderful.” According to Messner, his top button stayed aligned with his belly button for the better part of the day, save for his usual 1:30 gas bubble that typically follows his lunch, which pushed the top button down approximately one inch. “It did slip a bit there for a few minutes after a particularly hearty meal at CPK [California Pizza Kitchen], but it worked itself out, if you know what I mean.” A wide variety of menswear can be found on [...]

Upper West Side Private School Under Fire for New Slogan: ‘We’re Only as Successful as Our Stupidest Child.’

By   296 days ago

private UWS school

Briar Manor, the tony, 118-year-old Upper West Side private school, is facing a barrage of criticism from local parents and NY State Department of Education officials over what many are calling a callous and insensitive school slogan. The new slogan: ‘We’re only as successful as our stupidest child’ was unveiled Monday night at the school’s semi-annual PTA meeting to a stunned crowd. It replaces the relatively bland yet inoffensive slogan, “Oh, the places you’ll go to!” “At best, it’s an ill-vetted concept executed poorly,” said DOE spokesperson, Carla Yastremski. “At it’s very worst, it flies defiantly in the face of what we know about modern education in that it clings to the rigidity of antiquated stereotypes. Each child learns differently. And there is no such thing as a stupid child. Only a child who has not been taught properly.” Despite the immense amount of opposition to the school’s new slogan, [...]

Canadian Health Organization For Children Concerned Over New Fruit Snack.

By   299 days ago

fruit by the meter V2 FLAT

Representatives from Canada’s largest Children’s health advocacy group, Canadian Health Organization for Children (CHC), has requested a review by the Canadian Department of Health regarding New Fruuit By The Meter, citing steadily-rising obesity figures among young children. The Fruit snack, modeled after the popular Fruit By The Foot, contains three times the amount of sugars and chemical additives, coming in at a whooping 715 grams of sugar. In fact, of the top four ingredients in both Fruit By The Foot and Fruuit By The Meter, three are sweeteners (corn syrup, maltodextrin, and ordinary sugar.) “We feel like a foot of this highly-sugared fruit substance is more than adequately hazardous for a normal child,” said Melissa Shawsteinberg of CHC. “The serving suggestion listed on the packaging may state a reasonable serving size, but we all know that once that sucker is opened, a kid doesn’t stop at the serving size. It’s [...]

Coke Snorted off Chuck E. Cheese Changing Table.

By   302 days ago

coke on table

A day at Chuck E. Cheese took a turn for the slightly-more-tolerable after local Irvington dad, Phillip White, discovered approximately one eighth of a gram of blow in his pants pocket from two nights prior. “I was so fucked up that night that I totally forgot I had any left!” said White, 28, in a rapid-fire coke-induced, spit-forming-in-the-corners-of-his-mouth rant. “I was pretty stoked to not only find my coke you know the coke that me and Ricky bought off that Dominican kid on Rivington Street but also to find a bathroom with one of them changing tables in it – when I was younger, before kids I woulda just snorted it off the toilet seat because you know that’s fine who gives a shit right? But my back has been hurting me lately what with all the toddler crap I’ve been carrying around, including my toddler, Jeremy, so the height [...]

Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   304 days ago

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite repeated warnings to knock it off around some of the more exhausted, pissed off parents – for fear of getting punched or stabbed. “I’m happy for them, I guess” said Swartz, who spent a good part of the morning attempting to remove spit-up from his eyebrow and the little bit that trickled into his ear. “But they need to pace themselves. It’s like dopamine. Use it all up now and you won’t have any left when you have to access that shit to trick yourself back into the fact that you’re supposedly happy.” Added another [...]