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First Time Home-owner and Generally Incapable Handyman Has This Mysterious Plastic Doo-Dad Narrowed Down to Either Part of His Wife’s Breast Pump, or The Furnace.

By   23 days ago

black thing

Ask new dad (and recent first time homeowner), Jaime Klunie what the “J” stands for in Homer J. Simpson’s middle name, and he’ll tell you in a heartbeat. (It’s Jay, by the way). Ask him if his newly-purchased home is heated with gas or oil, and you’ll just have to be patient while he disappears into the basement, banging around and cursing under his breath while he searches for clues to your question. He has, however, made great strides in identifying this mysterious black plastic [...]

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Personalized “Self-Elf” Keeps Adults On Their Best Holiday Behavior

By   57 days ago

self elf

What if there were a tiny little you perched up on your living room bookcase, watching your every move this holiday season? Would its presence make you think twice before reaching for that ninth piece of double-nut fudge? Would it instill enough shame to make you reconsider “topping off” your eggnog with the whiskey flask you keep hidden under the couch cushion whenever the wife runs to the bathroom or goes to check on a boiling pot? Well, the makers of the new Self-Elf (courtesy of [...]

White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   89 days ago

parenteer editor

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” [...]

Toddler’s Toothpaste Primary Cause of Cavities, Tooth Decay

By   96 days ago

kids toothpaste

Maria Sanchez knew drastic measures were in order during a recent pre-Halloween party she attended with her son, three-year-old Ricky. Little Ricky, adorably dresssed as Thomas the Train, was asked to remove his novelty gag teeth before bobbing for apples. If only it had been that easy. “My boy’s teeth had gotten so bad, people actually thought they were joke teeth,” said a visibly upset Sanchez. “It broke my heart, but in a way it was a blessing…a wake-up call of sorts. We were at [...]

Gifted/Talented Students to Get Longer Buses

By   97 days ago

long bus

It’s been three long years in the works, but the parents of the city’s gifted/talented have finally gotten their wish: longer buses for their brilliant children. “It just goes to show you, perseverance pays off – especially when the cause, or need, in this case – is such an obvious one,” said Gail Barton, whose son, Asher, is enrolled in the gifted/talented program at P.S. 75. “The other mothers and fathers got the ball rolling with a huge letter-writing campaign directed at city education officials [...]

Devastating Upper West Side Blaze – Killing Eleven and Seriously Injuring thirty-five – Easily Best Day in Fire Engine-Loving Toddler’s Life!

By   103 days ago

kid w- blaze

A six-alarm fire swept through a huge swath of Columbus Avenue on Saturday, taking the lives of eleven souls, injuring dozens more, and destroying scores of homes and businesses. Firefighters from seven different Manhattan ladder companies responded to the fire, which was said to have caused upwards of 100 million in damages. “I think the last time I seen (sic) a fire like this was back in ‘85. They called it the ‘85 blaze,” said Columbus avenue resident Randy Hitler (no relation!) “That was a [...]

Blankie Intentionally Left Behind at Playdate

By   115 days ago

smug child

MANIPULATIVE, SNEAKY STAPLE OF THE SERIAL DATER PAYS OFF FOR LITTLE NOAH BRADLEE. “Oh, I left my earrings at your house last night, can I come get them?” “Hmm, I seem to have left my cell phone somewhere in your bedroom last night, looks like we’ll have to meet up today, doesn’t it?” We all remember these classic dating ploys – used as an excuse to pick up the conversation“the day after…” without appearing too desperate. Little Noah Bradlee, five, successfully pulled the maneuver Friday [...]

New Carbon Monoxide Detector Detects, Redistributes Snooze-Inducing Gas at The Push of a Button!

By   119 days ago

final carbon monoxide device

Bribery didn’t work. Threats didn’t work. And no earplug known to man could quell the constant crying and whining 32-year-old Anil Sukhuja-Woon (no relation!) was faced with on a recent Friday evening. Fortunately, her husband Carl had recently installed the Dozen-500 Carbon Monoxide Redistribution system. Not fifteen minutes later, the children were silent – blissfully dozing away in various states of unconsciousness, allowing Anil to settle in for what would become a 13-hour Dancing With the Stars marathon on TBS (Very Funny!) “When we hear stories [...]