Seven-year-old Aiden Stevens has a daddy with whom any young boy would be thrilled. Unfortunately, he has another, equally excellent daddy; which means that, essentially, he is completely lacking in the masculine role model department. Lance Carson and Topher Grillo, partners for 12 years, adopted young Aiden in 2007. Since then, Aiden has not wanted for love, guidance, and a strong fashion aesthetic; but relatives and some teachers at his school worry about the effects of being raised in a macho-less home. “Don’t get me [...]Read More →
An Upper West Side baby shower took a turn for the worse Sunday afternoon when the mom-to-be was given an adorable poke-a-dot dress for her unborn baby girl. The problem? “The dress was clearly intended for a lap dog,” said the offended recipient, Andrea Arena. “I mean, nevermind that the dress came with a leash, but the label on the dress - Doggone Darlin’, is in the shape of a fucking dog biscuit. It was pretty obvious.” “At first we all laughed, thinking it was a [...]
Saturday at exactly 12:30 PM marked the precise moment that five-year-old little dickhead Arthur Kroll went from a life of time-ins with intermittent (albeit frequent) time-outs, to a life of time-outs with intermittent time-ins. This the result of careful calculations on the part of his fed-up parents, who knew that once he hit hour 11,763, tow-headed little Arthur would become a boy who is statistically mostly good (but occasionally bad), to occasionally good (but mostly fucking intolerable). His last act of brattiness, which was “to [...]
For as long as he can remember, Trang Silverberg’s parents have expressed their love and support for the adopted Korean 11-year-old, reassuring him that they will always love him just as much as his siblings. “They always say, ‘we love you just like your normal brother and sister!’ said Trang, in a recent phone interview. “But I’m starting to not believe them.” Trang, the family’s eldest child, was adopted by James and Anne Silverberg after the couple was informed that she was unable to conceieve [...]
THE ANSWER JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. When was the last time you didn’t see a Purell dispenser? Can’t think of one? Well, that’s because for every thirty square feet of America, there are six Purell dispensers. But what, exactly, is Purell? And is it killing those who use it? Short answer? No, of course it isn’t killing people. Long answer? Just maybe (but probably not). But in case there is some unforseen, lingering danger, Purell has taken it upon themselves to roll out a new de-Purelle-er called Purell-off. Purell-off was the brainchild of top Purell executive Peter Fwithington, who made his name in the early eighties with hair-removal sensation, Nair. “So, totally off the record, we have absolutely no idea what’s in Purell,” said Fwithington. “We know that there is some sort of slime-based component. And a few people have said it smells like tarragon or dill, but beyond that, we really don’t know. So the idea [...]
If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” Jayson, along with his wife of one year, Brandee Huskey, decided on the underwater birth for no apparent reason other than: “It’s fuc*ing awesome,” according to Huskey. “Our baby girl is gonna come out underwater and sh*t. How slick is that?! And let’s say Brandee is pushing and pushing, and I gotta take a piss. Now, seeing that we’re submerged and nobody will be the [...]
The age-old mystery of where those missing socks go may never be answered, but for forty-three-year-old-mom Terry Welsh, that conundrum can wait – until she’s gotten to the bottom of the ever-growing presence of the crusty tube socks which have been showing up in and around her teenage son’s bedroom. “Most often, I find them under his bed,” said Welsh, from her Southborough, MA, home. “Sometimes I find them in his miniature Boston Red Sox trash can. And once I even found one resting on top of the shrubs under his bedroom window. But here’s the strange part – they always seem to have some sort of hardened substance on the inside – as if a small animal or large insect has taken up residence and…done something, but I can’t figure out what that might be.” The mystery of the socks, which started appearing soon after Ronny’s twelfth birthday has, [...]
New mom Carolyn Gurewald was headed for the door – coat on, Mountain Dew can in hand – when she finally remembered where she had left her two-month-old daughter’s rectal thermometer. “After searching the house for forty-five minutes, I figured, ‘Well, I guess I’d better pop out to the drugstore for one of them new butt thermometers’, until I finally remembered: ‘Wait! Maybe it’s still in Brittnee!” Sure enough, the thermometer, which had taken up residence in little Brittnee’s hindquarters the day before, had been left in by Gurewald’s absent-minded husband, Dwayne. “She says I left it up there but I don’t think…so,” said the bleary-eyed idiot. Baby Brittneee, who had been running a slight fever, is said to be “fine ‘n dandy like cotton candy,” according to Mrs. Gurewald.