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Devastating Upper West Side Blaze – Killing Eleven and Seriously Injuring thiry-five – Easily Best Day in Fire Engine-Loving Toddler’s Life!

By   7 days ago

kid w- blaze

A six-alarm fire swept through a huge swath of Columbus Avenue on Saturday, taking the lives of eleven souls, injuring dozens more, and destroying scores of homes and businesses. Firefighters from seven different Manhattan ladder companies responded to the fire, which was said to have caused upwards of 100 million in damages. “I think the last time I seen (sic) a fire like this was back in ‘85. They called it the ‘85 blaze,” said Columbus avenue resident Randy Hitler (no relation!) “That was a [...]

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Blankie Intentionally Left Behind at Playdate

By   18 days ago

smug child

MANIPULATIVE, SNEAKY STAPLE OF THE SERIAL DATER PAYS OFF FOR LITTLE NOAH BRADLEE. “Oh, I left my earrings at your house last night, can I come get them?” “Hmm, I seem to have left my cell phone somewhere in your bedroom last night, looks like we’ll have to meet up today, doesn’t it?” We all remember these classic dating ploys – used as an excuse to pick up the conversation“the day after…” without appearing too desperate. Little Noah Bradlee, five, successfully pulled the maneuver Friday [...]

New Carbon Monoxide Detector Detects, Redistributes Snooze-Inducing Gas at The Push of a Button!

By   22 days ago

final carbon monoxide device

Bribery didn’t work. Threats didn’t work. And no earplug known to man could quell the constant crying and whining 32-year-old Anil Sukhuja-Woon (no relation!) was faced with on a recent Friday evening. Fortunately, her husband Carl had recently installed the Dozen-500 Carbon Monoxide Redistribution system. Not fifteen minutes later, the children were silent – blissfully dozing away in various states of unconsciousness, allowing Anil to settle in for what would become a 13-hour Dancing With the Stars marathon on TBS (Very Funny!) “When we hear stories [...]

White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   45 days ago

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” Jayson, along with his wife of one year, Brandee Huskey, decided on the underwater birth for no apparent reason other than: “It’s fuc*ing awesome,” according to Huskey. “Our baby girl is gonna come out underwater and sh*t. How slick is that?! And let’s say Brandee is pushing and pushing, and I gotta take a piss. Now, seeing that we’re submerged and nobody will be the [...]

Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   49 days ago

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” or “googley-boobs,” effect millions of U.S. women. The results of the study, which sampled ten thousand U.S. women’s breasts, caused quite a commotion in the arena of child development studies. “We had long suspected that children raised on formula might suffer later in life, based on the simple fact that a mother unwilling to breast-feed clearly doesn’t love her child very much. But to see actual, physical anomalies as a result of formula-feeding is really extraordinary, and wholly unexpected,” said Dr. Carl Yastremski of the Taft Research Institute. The results of the study, which have [...]

Grampa Talks Longingly of Summers Spent Playing Marco Polio

By   53 days ago

If there’s one thing Grampa (Thomas) Walsh can talk about for hours on end, it’s those bygone summer days spent playing Marco Polio in the lakes and ponds of Buffalo, New York. “Ah, I was the king of the lakes in those days,” said Walsh from the Sunset Daze Nursing Home in West Seneca, New York. “Not only were the other children terrible swimmers, but many had polio, which of course made it that much easier for me to win,” he said. “Nothing makes you feel stronger than competing against the infirm.” Walsh, who also dominated the other children in baseball, basketball, tag, kickball, mumblety-peg, running races, bicycling, punching, football, and red rover, said Marco Polio had a special place in his heart. “What made Marco Polio so rewarding for me,” said Walsh, “Was that to the people watching us, we all appeared to be normal, healthy kids. Little did [...]

Iowa Hospital Under Fire For Requesting New Mom Keep Oxygen Mask Secured To Face For Duration Of Hospital Stay

By   54 days ago

both ugly moms done

Doctors at The Yastremski Medical Center in Grafton Iowa are scrambling to cover their collective behinds after committing what has to be one of the most insensitive birthing incidents in recent memory. It started approximately halfway through Lara Holcomb’s delivery on Tuesday evening, when Nancy Lange, a junior member of the hospital’s OBGYN unit, began to complain about the “gross faces” and gutteral sounds uttered by Mrs. Holcomb during her otherwise inoffensive delivery. “She was making this disgusting, twisted up Stephen Hawking face that was really gross,” said Lange. “And then, on top of that, she was screaming and moaning like she was in a horror movie. I mean, I get that it’s maybe a little uncomfortable, but c’mon, it’s not that bad. It was really upsetting the whole team. I think it’s like… when you’re at a restaurant, you don’t complain to the waiter because then they go back [...]

Leaning Girl Very Excited About New Princess Shoes That Light Up!

By   71 days ago

club foot shoes

Little Lisa Norton (dubbed The leaning tower of Lisa), refused to wear an “elevator shoe” for her limb length discrepancy. Until a big-hearted cobbler made her a pair she couldn’t refuse. Lisa Norton, like most five-year-old girls, loves her princesses. She has a princess wand. She has a princess tiara. And she has, of course, an army of princess dolls. So when her parents, David and Linda Norton, presented her with a pair of bland, beige elevator shoes, the first thing she said was, “Where is the princess? I want a princess on my shoes, like my friends. Why can’t I have princess shoes?!” And so began the daily struggle to get little Lisa, whose right leg is six inches shorter than her left, to wear her special shoes. She chose instead to  simply go without, earning her the unfortunate, cruel nickname: the Leaning Tower of Lisa. Enter Morty Morrison, [...]