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White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   7 days ago

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” Jayson, along with his wife of one year, Brandee Huskey, decided on the underwater birth for no apparent reason other than: “It’s fuc*ing awesome,” according to Huskey. “Our baby girl is gonna come out underwater and sh*t. How slick is that?! And let’s say Brandee is pushing and pushing, and I gotta take a piss. Now, seeing that we’re submerged and nobody will be the [...]

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Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   11 days ago

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” or “googley-boobs,” effect millions of U.S. women. The results of the study, which sampled ten thousand U.S. women’s breasts, caused quite a commotion in the arena of child development studies. “We had long suspected that children raised on formula might suffer later in life, based on the simple fact that a mother unwilling to breast-feed clearly doesn’t love her child very much. But to see actual, physical anomalies as a result of formula-feeding is really extraordinary, and wholly unexpected,” said Dr. Carl Yastremski of the Taft Research Institute. The results of the study, which have [...]

Grampa Talks Longingly of Summers Spent Playing Marco Polio

By   15 days ago

If there’s one thing Grampa (Thomas) Walsh can talk about for hours on end, it’s those bygone summer days spent playing Marco Polio in the lakes and ponds of Buffalo, New York. “Ah, I was the king of the lakes in those days,” said Walsh from the Sunset Daze Nursing Home in West Seneca, New York. “Not only were the other children terrible swimmers, but many had polio, which of course made it that much easier for me to win,” he said. “Nothing makes you feel stronger than competing against the infirm.” Walsh, who also dominated the other children in baseball, basketball, tag, kickball, mumblety-peg, running races, bicycling, punching, football, and red rover, said Marco Polio had a special place in his heart. “What made Marco Polio so rewarding for me,” said Walsh, “Was that to the people watching us, we all appeared to be normal, healthy kids. Little did [...]

Iowa Hospital Under Fire For Requesting New Mom Keep Oxygen Mask Secured To Face For Duration Of Hospital Stay

By   16 days ago

both ugly moms done

Doctors at The Yastremski Medical Center in Grafton Iowa are scrambling to cover their collective behinds after committing what has to be one of the most insensitive birthing incidents in recent memory. It started approximately halfway through Lara Holcomb’s delivery on Tuesday evening, when Nancy Lange, a junior member of the hospital’s OBGYN unit, began to complain about the “gross faces” and gutteral sounds uttered by Mrs. Holcomb during her otherwise inoffensive delivery. “She was making this disgusting, twisted up Stephen Hawking face that was [...]

Leaning Girl Very Excited About New Princess Shoes That Light Up!

By   33 days ago

club foot shoes

Little Lisa Norton (dubbed The leaning tower of Lisa), refused to wear an “elevator shoe” for her limb length discrepancy. Until a big-hearted cobbler made her a pair she couldn’t refuse. Lisa Norton, like most five-year-old girls, loves her princesses. She has a princess wand. She has a princess tiara. And she has, of course, an army of princess dolls. So when her parents, David and Linda Norton, presented her with a pair of bland, beige elevator shoes, the first thing she said was, “Where [...]

Scientists Still Searching For ADHD’s Cause

By   33 days ago

adhd cause

Despite years of research and millions of dollars by, like, literally hundreds upon hundreds of hospitals and research institutions, scientists are no closer to identifying what causes ADHD in children than they were twenty years ago. “There were times when the research community felt close to identifying said causes, but we have yet to be able to say, with complete and utter confidence, that we have figured this out. To say this has been frustrating would be an understatement of massive proportions,” said Dr. Rex [...]

Makers of Popular Baby Launcher Announce Recall

By   161 days ago

boing final

A recall has been announced by The Ziffman Company of Short Hills, N.J., regarding their wildly popular baby launcher – the Toddler Tosser 7000. 3,000 Toddler Tosser launch units, which are said to account for more than fifty percent of the company’s total revenues, were sold in the past six months alone. Sporting goods and toy stores alike were feverishly pulling unsold units off shelves as late as yesterday. “It’s a real shame that we have to yank these things off the shelves so close [...]

Max Has A Fun Plan For Horrible Sister, Ruby, After A Recent Viewing of Fatal Attraction

By   191 days ago

ruby red

When Max, he of the popular kids television show Max and Ruby, sat down to watch a little television on a recent rainy Saturday afternoon, he had no concrete plan in place to do away with his insufferable, bossy sister, Ruby. But upon watching the famous Fatal Attraction scene in which Glenn Close murders a bunny rabbit in a pot of  boiling water, that all changed. “I think this will be really really easy because I don’t need any special equipment or bullets or anything,” [...]