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Leaning Girl Very Excited About New Princess Shoes That Light Up!

By   5 days ago

club foot shoes

Little Lisa Norton (dubbed The leaning tower of Lisa), refused to wear an “elevator shoe” for her limb length discrepancy. Until a big-hearted cobbler made her a pair she couldn’t refuse. Lisa Norton, like most five-year-old girls, loves her princesses. She has a princess wand. She has a princess tiara. And she has, of course, an army of princess dolls. So when her parents, David and Linda Norton, presented her with a pair of bland, beige elevator shoes, the first thing she said was, “Where [...]

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Scientists Still Searching For ADHD’s Cause

By   5 days ago

adhd cause

Despite years of research and millions of dollars by, like, literally hundreds upon hundreds of hospitals and research institutions, scientists are no closer to identifying what causes ADHD in children than they were twenty years ago. “There were times when the research community felt close to identifying said causes, but we have yet to be able to say, with complete and utter confidence, that we have figured this out. To say this has been frustrating would be an understatement of massive proportions,” said Dr. Rex [...]

Makers of Popular Baby Launcher Announce Recall

By   132 days ago

boing final

A recall has been announced by The Ziffman Company of Short Hills, N.J., regarding their wildly popular baby launcher – the Toddler Tosser 7000. 3,000 Toddler Tosser launch units, which are said to account for more than fifty percent of the company’s total revenues, were sold in the past six months alone. Sporting goods and toy stores alike were feverishly pulling unsold units off shelves as late as yesterday. “It’s a real shame that we have to yank these things off the shelves so close [...]

Max Has A Fun Plan For Horrible Sister, Ruby, After A Recent Viewing of Fatal Attraction

By   162 days ago

ruby red

When Max, he of the popular kids television show Max and Ruby, sat down to watch a little television on a recent rainy Saturday afternoon, he had no concrete plan in place to do away with his insufferable, bossy sister, Ruby. But upon watching the famous Fatal Attraction scene in which Glenn Close murders a bunny rabbit in a pot of  boiling water, that all changed. “I think this will be really really easy because I don’t need any special equipment or bullets or anything,” [...]

Former Child Actor Finding Roles For Cowardly, Bald-headed Namby-pamby Whiners Hard To Come By.

By   192 days ago

old caillou

Gary Coleman, Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges, Macaulay Culkin – we’re all too familiar with the struggles aging child actors encounter as they attempt the transition from child to adult actor. But the aforementioned had one thing going for them that Caillou does not. And that is: they were not reviled by millions of people, as Caillou most certainly has become. “Caillou has two huge strikes against him,” said talent agent Melissa Hennessey of Hennessey & Coughlin. “Not only is he dealing with the classic child [...]

10-year-old Luke Collins of 255 West 95th Street (apartment 2B) Between Broadway and Amsterdam Blamed for Current Flu Season.

By   217 days ago

luke

    The terrible flu season that caused many of us to spend December and much of January in the bathroom, missing out on holiday revelry and work obligations, has been traced back to this little boy: 10-year-old Luke Collins of 255 West 95th Street, between Broadway and Amsterdam, apartment 2B. Pinpointing the sole cause of a flu such as this is a first for The Center of Disease Control in Washington, who are appealing to New Yorker’s understanding and compassion to resist the urge [...]

Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Christmas Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Chocolate Juggs Magazine And Penis Pump

By   246 days ago

choco juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had been hoping to find, little Henry Whitin instead unearthed his father’s stack of Chocolate Juggs magazines and a bright red Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding the already upsetting situation was Henry’s decision to then parade the items into the living room during the neighborhood bridge tournament held at his parents Queens home. “Highlight of the year, no doubt,” beamed an amused Richard McLeod, one of the [...]

Multifaith Family’s Christmas Tree Torched by Intolerant Menorah

By   254 days ago

menora

Religious zealotry reared its ugly head in an otherwise harmonious New Jersey home last week as an obstinate menorah set fire to a thirteen-year-old douglas fir just hours after being erected and decorated. The Jewberg family tree was set ablaze during the early morning hours of December 8th, according to Ari Jewberg, the family’s most senior Jew. “Had I not heard [family dog] Saully’s barks, this would have turned out much differently,” he said. “I shudder to think how badly this could have ended.” The [...]