Today's Headlines View All →

Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   23 hours ago

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite repeated warnings to knock it off around some of the more exhausted, pissed off parents – for fear of getting punched or stabbed. “I’m happy for them, I guess” said [...]

Read More →

Inhibited, Inexperienced Sixteen-Year-Old Boy Finally Gets to Third With Himself.

By   5 days ago

red head with thumbs up

After three frustrating years of false starts and stinging self-rejection, Maplewood, New Jersey sophomore David Jenkins finally managed to get to third with himself, thanks to a couple shots of peach schnapps he snagged from his mom’s liquor cabinet. “At first I was like, ‘should I do it? Should I just go for it?’ …but I was still a little nervous. But then I remembered my friend Jake telling me that he got into his girlfriend Becky’s undergarments after he got her kind of drunk [...]

Father’s Talk With Young Son After Discovering Dirty Pictures on iPad Focuses Primarily on The Importance of Clearing His Search History.

By   6 days ago

jimmy search history

After discovering his young son’s Google search for ‘fat fat fat boobs’ and ‘naked sexy ladies,’ Larchmont, NY dad Jayson Aballera took it upon himself to have the much dreaded “talk” with his curious horn-ball son, nine-year-old Frankie. But what started as a well-intentioned and informal talk about respecting women and age-appropriate material devolved into the importance of strategic, consistent search-history-clearing. “Sure, I told him all about respect for women and the natural urges a young boy might have…blah blah blah,” said Aballera, “But just as [...]

Thirteen-Year-Old Boy’s Voice Changing – Into That of a Thirty-Six-Year-Old Cuban Woman

By   463 days ago

teen boy

For Katelyn and Stuart Johnson, It was of little surprise when their son, thirteen-year-old David, started speaking differently. After all, they watched their twin boys go through the very same thing years earlier when they were at the awkward age of thirteen. What did shock the Greenwich, CT, couple, however, was the extent of the change. “We assumed David would just start speaking in a lower register, said forty-five-year-old Katelyn. “But when he started sounding not unlike a sassy thirty-something Cuban woman, it really threw [...]

Henna Swastika Tattoo Calls Into Question Man’s Dedication to White Supremacist Group.

By   468 days ago

skinhead

A White Plains, New York white supremacist group is starting to have serious doubts about its newest member, Carl Johannsen, after it was discovered that the large swastika tattoo covering his back was actually not a permanent sign of his dedication, but rather a decidedly less permanent tattoo made of henna. “We was partaking in our annual water-balloon fight Saturday evening at my house up north when Carl’s tattoo got all wet and started to run,” said group member and event planner, Dale Higgins. “He [...]

Upper West Side African-American Women Adopting White Babies at Fever Pitch

By   469 days ago

af-am woman FLAT blurred

The next time you find yourself sitting on one of the benches at your favorite Upper West Side playground or park, take a good look around at the other moms. And then look at their child. Then look at the mom again. Now back at the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child. OK, did you notice anything unusual? “The sheer number of African-American women adopting white babies is astounding,” said longtime neighborhood resident Nancy Cauley. “And I think it’s wonderful!” “I remember, years ago, [...]

Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Juggs Magazine and Penis Pump

By   493 days ago

better juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had asked his parents for, little Jimmy Campbell instead unearthed his father’s stack of Juggs magazines and a bright red, Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding an already uncomfortable situation was the four-year-old’s decision to parade the items into the living room during a neighborhood bridge tournament held at his parents Queens home. “Highlight of the year, no doubt!” beamed an amused Todd Perron, one of the [...]

Local Westchester Grandma a Total GILF

By   542 days ago

GILF

66-year-old grandmother Sharon Puzzaglia is a toal GILF, according to her 8-year-old grandson Jacob’s straight friends. “Oh yeah, Jacob’s gramma is definitely a GILF,” said 7-year-old Jimmy Vetere. “She has really big boobs and an awesome white hair wig.” Oddly enough, Jacob’s mom, Suzie, is most definitely not a MILF. Further proof that this sort of thing often skips a generation. Made aware of her inclusion into this special club, Puzzaglia said, “Oh that is so cute! I would like to friend them too!”