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Minivan Sticker a Painful Reminder of Adopted Boy’s Place in Family

By   13 days ago

car with stickers

For as long as he can remember, Trang Silverberg’s parents have expressed their love and support for the adopted Korean 11-year-old, reassuring him that they will always love him just as much as his siblings. “They always say, ‘we love you just like your normal brother and sister!’ said Trang, in a recent phone interview. “But I’m starting to not believe them.” Trang, the family’s eldest child, was adopted by James and Anne Silverberg after the couple was informed that she was unable to conceieve [...]

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Is Purell Killing You And Your Family?

By   13 days ago

THE ANSWER JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. When was the last time you didn’t see a Purell dispenser? Can’t think of one? Well, that’s because for every thirty square feet of America, there are six Purell dispensers. But what, exactly, is Purell? And is it killing those who use it? Short answer? No, of course it isn’t killing people. Long answer? Just maybe (but probably not). But in case there is some unforseen, lingering danger, Purell has taken it upon themselves to roll out a new de-Purelle-er called Purell-off. Purell-off was the brainchild of top Purell executive Peter Fwithington, who made his name in the early eighties with hair-removal sensation, Nair. “So, totally off the record, we have absolutely no idea what’s in Purell,” said Fwithington. “We know that there is some sort of slime-based component. And a few people have said it smells like tarragon or dill, but beyond that, we really don’t know. So the idea [...]

White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   13 days ago

parenteer editor

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here is our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer cans, and sofa cushions from the pool so little April can enter the world in an uncluttered manner, and not be bobbing around in a bunch of refuse and whatnot.” Jayson, along with his wife of one year, Brandee Huskey, decided on the underwater birth for no apparent reason other than: “It’s fuc*ing awesome,” according to Huskey. “Our baby girl is gonna come out underwater and sh*t. How slick is that?! And let’s say Brandee is pushing and pushing, and I gotta take a piss. Now, seeing that we’re submerged and nobody will be the [...]

Mom Mystified By Teenage Son’s Collection of Discarded Crusty Tube Socks

By   20 days ago

tube sock

The age-old mystery of where those missing socks go may never be answered, but for forty-three-year-old-mom Terry Welsh, that conundrum can wait – until she’s gotten to the bottom of the ever-growing presence of the crusty tube socks which have been showing up in and around her teenage son’s bedroom. “Most often, I find them under his bed,” said Welsh, from her Southborough, MA, home. “Sometimes I find them in his miniature Boston Red Sox trash can. And once I even found one resting on top of the shrubs under his bedroom window. But here’s the strange part – they always seem to have some sort of hardened substance on the inside – as if a small animal or large insect has taken up residence and…done something, but I can’t figure out what that might be.” The mystery of the socks, which started appearing soon after Ronny’s twelfth birthday has, [...]

Baby’s Rectal Thermometer Nowhere To be Found… Oh, Wait!

By   20 days ago

New mom Carolyn Gurewald was headed for the door – coat on, Mountain Dew can in hand – when she finally remembered where she had left her two-month-old daughter’s rectal thermometer. “After searching the house for forty-five minutes, I figured, ‘Well, I guess I’d better pop out to the drugstore for one of them new butt thermometers’,  until I finally remembered: ‘Wait! Maybe it’s still in Brittnee!” Sure enough, the thermometer, which had taken up residence in little Brittnee’s hindquarters the day before, had been left in by Gurewald’s absent-minded husband, Dwayne. “She says I left it up there but I don’t think…so,” said the bleary-eyed idiot. Baby Brittneee, who had been running a slight fever, is said to be “fine ‘n dandy like cotton candy,” according to Mrs. Gurewald.

First Time Home-owner and Generally Incapable Handyman Has This Mysterious Plastic Doo-Dad Narrowed Down to Either Part of His Wife’s Breast Pump, or The Furnace.

By   104 days ago

black thing

Ask new dad (and recent first time homeowner), Jaime Klunie what the “J” stands for in Homer J. Simpson’s middle name, and he’ll tell you in a heartbeat. (It’s Jay, by the way). Ask him if his newly-purchased home is heated with gas or oil, and you’ll just have to be patient while he disappears into the basement, banging around and cursing under his breath while he searches for clues to your question. He has, however, made great strides in identifying this mysterious black plastic thing he recently found behind the sofa. “At first I thought it was part of the toilet pump kit that I bought earlier this year but never had the chance to put together and put into the big ceramic cube that sits behind the toilet chair,” said Klunie from his home in Pelham earlier this week. “And then I thought that it maybe fell off [...]

Personalized “Self-Elf” Keeps Adults On Their Best Holiday Behavior

By   138 days ago

self elf

What if there were a tiny little you perched up on your living room bookcase, watching your every move this holiday season? Would its presence make you think twice before reaching for that ninth piece of double-nut fudge? Would it instill enough shame to make you reconsider “topping off” your eggnog with the whiskey flask you keep hidden under the couch cushion whenever the wife runs to the bathroom or goes to check on a boiling pot? Well, the makers of the new Self-Elf (courtesy of  the same people who brought us the wildly successful Shelf Elf), sure hope so. If the idea of creating a miniature you to keep you on your toes seems exceptionally strange and complicated, you’re only half right. It is strange, of course, but the actual process of getting your very own “you” elf is staggeringly simple.“If you can take a picture of yourself, you can [...]

Toddler’s Toothpaste Primary Cause of Cavities, Tooth Decay

By   177 days ago

kids toothpaste

Maria Sanchez knew drastic measures were in order during a recent pre-Halloween party she attended with her son, three-year-old Ricky. Little Ricky, adorably dresssed as Thomas the Train, was asked to remove his novelty gag teeth before bobbing for apples. If only it had been that easy. “My boy’s teeth had gotten so bad, people actually thought they were joke teeth,” said a visibly upset Sanchez. “It broke my heart, but in a way it was a blessing…a wake-up call of sorts. We were at the dentist the very next morning.” As it turned out, the culprit was right in front of them the whole time: little Ricky’s gooey, strawberry-flavored Colgate toothpaste. “If I had a nickel for every kid who ended up in my chair as a result of brushing with this candy toothpaste, I’d be even richer than I already am,” said Dr. Barry Portnoy of the Columbia [...]