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ABC Gum Fails to Delight

By   /  November 16, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

The only thing that could possibly measure up to five-year-old Aaron Kellog’s promise of sweet, tropical fruit doing backflips inside his excited, virgin mouth, was the massive disappointment which ensued mere seconds into chewing his special, overhyped ABC gum – gum which his older brother, Dylan, had sworn would be the most delicious gum he’d [...]

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Slow Wedgie Not as Effective as Fast Wedgie, According to Accomplished Wedgie-Giver

By   /  November 7, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

Todd Blankenstein, well known (and feared), by many of his classmates at PS 334, has been experimenting with different wedgie executions, and he has deemed the very slow wedgie to be “not nearly as effective as the super-quick, lightning wedgie.” “I was looking to broaden my repertoire. I figured that I’d pretty much taken the [...]

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Father Regrets Buying Used Race-Car Bed

By   /  November 7, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

used-race-car-bed

What seemed like a fine idea at the time has slowly but surely turned into a bank account-draining fiasco for Boston dad Ian Trainor. It all started when Trainor, appalled at the cost of the race-car bed his five-year-old son, Travis, had been hounding him for, purchased the used bed on eBay two weeks ago. [...]

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New Nut Hut Opening Between Nuts R us, and Not For Nut’n

By   /  November 7, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

The city’s North Side, whose residents – just two short years ago – had been complaining about the lack of nut-sellers, now has all the nuts it needs thanks to the opening of the new Nut Hut, which will be sandwiched betweenNuts ‘R’ Us and Not For Nut’n. It has has many residents now referring to the street as “Nut [...]

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BELLY BUDS

By   /  November 7, 2012  /  Stuff for Junior  /  2 Comments

  How do they work? Good question! According to the instructions, you stick them on your belly so mom and dad can pipe in sophisticated, classical music. Because God forbid your baby doesn’t pop out whistling sophisticated, classy music. We recommend the purchaser of bellybuds have their baby listen to instructional CDs on how to [...]

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Dear Ethiceer

By   /  November 5, 2012  /  OP/ED  /  No Comments

DEAR ETHICEER, My husband and I have three beautiful, healthy children, and have both decided that three is enough. I suggested he get a vasectomy, while HE is pushing for me to have a tubal ligation (tubes tied). I maintain that after the pain and discomfort of bearing three children, the least he can do [...]

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Baby Swears to God, Spends Half Her Life Looking For Goddamn Keys

By   /  November 4, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

color keys

Everybody has that “thing” that they’re convinced has been placed on this earth to drive them crazy. For some, it’s the remote. For others, it’s the iPhone that seems to have a mind of its own. For seven-month-old Marissa Tomlinson, it’s her keys that seem to disappear ever time she’s in need of something to [...]

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Coldhearted Five-year-old Girl Just Going to Let Her Crying Carrie-Anne Doll Sob Until Batteries Run Out

By   /  October 25, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  1 Comment

lil-cassie

There are few toys that do a better job teaching young children the meaning of patience, responsibilty, and tenderness than a doll that requires its owner to take care of it. At least, that’s what these ingenious dolls are supposed to instill in their young caretakers, but little Cassie Kepple, five, has her own style [...]

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THE HAMPTONS TODDLER: FAST AND LOOSE, RICH AND RECKLESS

By   /  October 1, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

color pool car

(AND ABOUT TO COME BACK HOME) The open, alert cartoon eyes of the cherry-red pedal car peering up from the East Hampton swimming pool stood in stark contrast to those of its detained driver – one Lizzie Grubstein, who just minutes earlier had plowed into a group of people waiting to enter the Hamptons hot [...]

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Obese Children Empty Community Swimming Pool With Cannonball Contest

By   /  August 14, 2012  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

empty pool

The community swimming pool at Amsterdam and 102nd Street will be closed until further notice after Saturday’s cannonball contest which, unfortunately, was attended by several enormous children. “One minute, everything is fine,” said Carlos Rivera, a regular at the popular swimming spot. “But then, all of a sudden I look over and the water is [...]

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