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Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Christmas Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Chocolate Juggs Magazine And Penis Pump

By   /  December 17, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

choco juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had been hoping to find, little Henry Whitin instead unearthed his father’s stack of Chocolate Juggs magazines and a bright red Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding the already upsetting situation was Henry’s decision to then parade the [...]

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Multifaith Family’s Christmas Tree Torched by Intolerant Menorah

By   /  December 9, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

menora

Religious zealotry reared its ugly head in an otherwise harmonious New Jersey home last week as an obstinate menorah set fire to a thirteen-year-old douglas fir just hours after being erected and decorated. The Jewberg family tree was set ablaze during the early morning hours of December 8th, according to Ari Jewberg, the family’s most [...]

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Mother of Plus-Size Baby Model Spending Daughter’s Earnings On Vaginal Rejuvenation

By   /  November 14, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

A Staten Island mother of three has raised the ire of the plus-size baby modeling community by proudly divulging her plan of using her daughter’s modeling earnings to bring her once svelte, slim vagina back to pre-children shape. “It’s disgusting,” remarked Carol Aftenberg, who manages her own plus-size daughter’s “burgeoning” career. “The idea of dipping [...]

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White Trash Couple Plans Underwater Birth – In Above-ground Pool

By   /  November 2, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pool

If Jayson Huskey has his way, the ten-person town of McMullen, Alabama, is about to become known for much more than simply being the state’s smallest. “Me and the old lady are gonna have an underwater birth…right here in our own pool,” said the 29-year-old Jiffy Lube technician. “I’ve already scooped the dead frogs, beer [...]

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Stay-at-home Dad Groups a Great Way For Swishy, Chronically Unemployed Men to Meet Other Swishy, Chronically Unemployed Men

By   /  October 15, 2013  /  OP/ED, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

SAHD

When Jerry Porter, along with wife Terry and their three-year-old son, Emory, relocated to Park Slope from Manhattan’s Upper West Side, the festive thirty-four- year-old worried about whether or not he would find other fruity, unemployable men with whom to commiserate and bond. Happily, Porter’s worry disappeared almost immediately – thanks to the warm, open [...]

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TV Remote Swaddled With Baby – Again

By   /  October 9, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

tv swaddle

Once again, 32-year-old stay-at-home dad, Steven Manning, managed to swaddle his beloved television remote with three-month-old daughter Ava; initiating a frantic apartment search. It wasn’t until the combination of his daughter’s sobs and the television channels randomly changing by themselves that he realized what had happened. Fortunately, Manning was able to extract the remote in time [...]

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American Medical Association: Late-term Intercourse Counts As a 3-some!

By   /  July 27, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

psyched guy

In what is sure to be welcome news for male losers unfortunate enough to never have participated in a 3-some, the AMA today announced that late-term intercourse does indeed count as a 3-some, provided that the fetus is at least six months old, and the participating weiner comes within eight inches of the amniotic sack. [...]

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NRA Unveils New Line of Adolescent Body Armor For Upcoming School Year

By   /  July 11, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

nra art

In what many consider to be the only reasonable, viable solution resulting from the spate of school shootings that shocked the world last year, the NRA has finally allowed the public a sneak-peek at the adolescent body armor prototypes it has been so hard at work producing. NRA Vice President, Wayne “halitosis” LaPierre, spoke with [...]

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New Breast Pump Does a Week’s Worth Of Pumping in One Sitting!

By   /  July 11, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

gallon pump

In what is sure to be a lifesaver for time-strapped new moms, the Scranton-based company Breastco Pneumatics has developed a breast pump capable of draining a full gallon of milk…in under three minutes! The new Lactinator 8000 is the first of its kind in that it’s sole purpose is to expedite the lactation process, allowing busy [...]

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Father of Gay Staten Island Teen Relieved to Learn Son is a “Top”

By   /  July 6, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

fatso

A Staten Island father was giddy with relief yesterday after his worst fears were debunked upon learning that his gay son was NOT, in fact, a “bottom,” as he had long suspected. Darrel Cletus, 44, thought his son Charlie, eighteen, might be a ‘bottom’ (a term commonly used to describe the more feminine, submissive half [...]

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