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Oh, China!

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  OP/ED  /  No Comments

      Oh, China! I’m really, really freaked out about you China. I’m not freaked out about much in this world yet. The dark…that’s a little scary. Big ugly people who want to kiss me and breathe right on my face…I’m not a big fan, really, but that’s more of a “disgusted by” than “freaked [...]

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Baby Prohibited From Bringing Food Into Designer High Chair

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

high chair V2

Lars and Leticia Van Ooyen made a promise to one another upon the eve of their son’s birth last December. “We promised each other that we will never allow our meticulously curated home to be bombarded with hideous, child-rearing accessories,” said Mr. Van Ooyen. “Regardless of how uncomfortable or inconvenient it becomes for our little [...]

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Baby Has Ugly Cry, Uglier Laugh

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

As is the case with many babies, a parent isn’t quite sure if theirs is laughing or crying. Well, in the case of little KaitLynn Drabowski, it doesn’t really matter; because KaitLynn has an astoundingly ugly cry and a hideously gross-looking laugh. “She’s our little bundle of joy and we really like her,” said the [...]

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Four-year-old Thrills Parents’ Party Guests by Counting to One hundred and Thirty-seven

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

Wanda and David Wilson’s dinner parties are well-known to friends and family members for being somber, dull affairs. But that all changed Saturday evening when their four-year-old son, Taylor, was brought out to perform for the bored guests. And perform he did! “I was blown away,” said friend Darren Wittingham. “Completely and utterly blown away. [...]

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Couple’s First “Date Night” After New Baby Probably Not Going to Lead to Second Date

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

bored lady

It was a night both Sheila and Tim Vetstein had been looking forward to for weeks. Sheila’s mom, Louise, came in from Boston to babysit, a reservation had been secured at the downtown celebrity hotspot, CELERY, and for the first time in recent memory, all parental duties were on hold. Unfortunately, however, the sparks were [...]

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Toddler Perfectly Executes First Half of “Putting Fist In Mouth – Taking Fist Out of Mouth” Routine

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

emergency room

A Chelsea three-year-old was resting comfortably last night after EMTs rushed him to Beth Israel Hospital after failing to execute the second half of his oft-performed “fist-in-mouth” routine for neighbors. Little Alexander Coupland, who neighbors said has successfully executed the stunt dozens of times, found himself in a particularly difficult situation, as his hand had [...]

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Breadwinning Mom Brings Home Bacon- Henpecked Stay-at-Home-Dad Makes Her A Bacon Sandwich

By   /  February 3, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

High-powered lawyer Greta Buxton brings home the bacon for the Buxton family. And when she does, she fully expects her little sissified, stay-at-home husband, Lance, to make her a goddamn sandwich with it. On a recent Friday evening, Greta demanded her bacon sandwich (and 20 oz Fosters beer), before even stepping foot in the couple’s [...]

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Teen’s Victoria’s Secret Catalogue Still Clinging To Underside Of Discarded Mattress

By   /  February 2, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

mattress-porn

Linda Farley thought her son, Carter, would be ecstatic. At least, as ecstatic as a teenage boy could be about a new mattress. After all, he’d been complaining about his sore back, and blamed the aches and pains on the saggy state of his old mattress. So why did his face fall so low when [...]

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Birthday Party Turns Chaotic As Boy’s Mother Mistakenly Hires Mathemagician

By   /  February 2, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

Nobody was more upset than the birthday boy - five-year-old Colin Waugh.

Five-year-old Colin Waugh’s birthday party took a turn for the worse after the twenty-three kids realized, one by one, that their promised magician was actually a mathemagician. “It was so sad,” said attending mom Dorothy Strauss. “The kids were just so wound up, fully expecting this magician to blow their socks off, and out comes [...]

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Public School Wretches

By   /  February 1, 2013  /  OP/ED  /  No Comments

      DEAR MILLIE, My wife and I are the proud parents of two boys, aged 4 and 9, both of whom attend (different) upscale, exclusive private schools. The older of the two has recently made friends with some boys from the other side of the tracks. Meaning: they attend public school. We feel that [...]

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