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New Mom VERY Grateful For Mother-in-law’s Steady Stream of Unsolicited Tips, Advice

By   /  March 25, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

better mom

There is nothing a new mom – delirious from the thirteen consecutive sleepless nights – appreciates more than the onslaught of a mother-in-law’s unsolicited tips and detailed baby-tending instructions. Just ask Janice Tierney who, after giving birth to a colicky baby girl after thirty-seven hours of labor, can tell you. Mrs. Tierney’s mother-in-law, Ellen Tierney, [...]

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Unresolved Playdate Leads To Severe Case of Blue Balls For Local Toddler

By   /  March 15, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

better balls

A very fun playdate with Margo Sanchez, three, turned into a horrible case of blue balls for little four-year-old Zack Ellington of Chelsea. The painful date, set up by Margo’s nanny, started with a vigorous Lego session, followed by hummus sandwiches and grapes, then twenty-five minutes of Dora the Explorer. Upon turning the TV off, the [...]

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Elmo Spawns Generation Of Young Assholes Speaking In the Third Person

By   /  March 13, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

elmo

There are only two things on this earth worse than an entitled, egotistical child: genital warts and Bethany Frankel. Fortunately, you’re unlikely to cross paths with either since, as a parent, you are probably not having risky sex with wart-sportin’ strangers; and Bethany Frankel run-ins will be primarily of the televised kind. The self-obsessed, ego-maniacal [...]

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Baby’s Rectal Thermometer Nowhere To Be Found…Oh, Wait!

By   /  March 12, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

New mom, Carolyn Gurewald, was headed for the door; coat on, car keys in hand – when she finally remembered where she had last seen her two-month-old daughter’s rectal thermometer. “After searching high and low for forty-five minutes, I figured, ‘Well, I guess I’d better pop out to the thermometer store for one of them [...]

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Delousing Parties All the Rage For Itchy Upper West Side Families

By   /  March 10, 2013  /  Stuff for Junior, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

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There were over fifteen thousand guests at little Bobby Astrid’s last party, but by the time it was over, only ten remained. Why? Because this was a very special party; a party that hundreds of kids just like Bobby are having every day. It was a delousing party! “When I began telling people that I [...]

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HIPSTER’S SON REFUSES TO WEAR RAMONES, CBGB’s TEE SHIRTS

By   /  March 7, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pissed kid

Matt and Mary Reeves pride themselves on their carefully cultivated (if not exactly original) musical tastes and offbeat fashion sense. Prouder still are they of four-year-old Carter who, according to them, shares his parents’ love of the Ramones and the defunct Lower Manhattan rock institution, CBGB’s – all of which makes the youngster’s recent all-out [...]

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