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American Medical Association: Late-term Intercourse Counts As a 3-some!

By   /  July 27, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

psyched guy

In what is sure to be welcome news for male losers unfortunate enough to never have participated in a 3-some, the AMA today announced that late-term intercourse does indeed count as a 3-some, provided that the fetus is at least six months old, and the participating weiner comes within eight inches of the amniotic sack. [...]

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NRA Unveils New Line of Adolescent Body Armor For Upcoming School Year

By   /  July 11, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

nra art

In what many consider to be the only reasonable, viable solution resulting from the spate of school shootings that shocked the world last year, the NRA has finally allowed the public a sneak-peek at the adolescent body armor prototypes it has been so hard at work producing. NRA Vice President, Wayne “halitosis” LaPierre, spoke with [...]

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New Breast Pump Does a Week’s Worth Of Pumping in One Sitting!

By   /  July 11, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

gallon pump

In what is sure to be a lifesaver for time-strapped new moms, the Scranton-based company Breastco Pneumatics has developed a breast pump capable of draining a full gallon of milk…in under three minutes! The new Lactinator 8000 is the first of its kind in that it’s sole purpose is to expedite the lactation process, allowing busy [...]

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Father of Gay Staten Island Teen Relieved to Learn Son is a “Top”

By   /  July 6, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

fatso

A Staten Island father was giddy with relief yesterday after his worst fears were debunked upon learning that his gay son was NOT, in fact, a “bottom,” as he had long suspected. Darrel Cletus, 44, thought his son Charlie, eighteen, might be a ‘bottom’ (a term commonly used to describe the more feminine, submissive half [...]

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