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Widowed Dad of Intellectually Disabled Six-year-old Thrilled With Son’s New Tutor’s Progress, Funbags.

By   /  June 20, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

boob teacher

Until recently, Jerry Evans had written off the very idea of special-ed tutors based on their inability to make even the slightest amount of progress with Carter, his developmentally disabled son, despite the recommendations and glowing references bestowed upon them. And then, as if God himself had intervened, twenty-eight-year-old Rebecca Allen showed up at the [...]

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Repugnant, Soiled Genie Living in Staten Island Diaper Genie

By   /  May 31, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

diaper genie

Upon delivering the news to friends and relatives regarding the impending addition to their family, Christine and Dirk Lynch were repeatedly offered this sage advice: GET A DIAPER GENIE!  What the couple didn’t expect, however, was that the incredibly popular diaper disposal contraption would one day house a repulsive, obnoxious Genie – a chain-smoking, belching [...]

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Crib Overflowing With Stuffed Animals, Puffy Pillows, and Assorted Gadgets Forces Baby to Sleep on Floor

By   /  April 30, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

crammed crib

What was once a tastefully adorned, cozy nest for Isabella Wren has turned into a veritable dumping ground for stuffed animals, gaudy pillows, blankies, baby monitors, puppets, and assorted bric-a-brac; effectively forcing little “Izzy” to sleep on a hardwood floor with nothing more than a roll of Brawny paper towels and a thin dishrag to [...]

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Mother of Plus-Size Baby Model Spending Daughter’s Earnings On Vaginal Rejuvenation

By   /  April 25, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

A Morristown mother of three has raised the ire of the plus-size baby modeling community by proudly divulging her plan of using her daughter’s modeling earnings to bring her once svelte, slim vagina back to pre-children shape. “It’s disgusting,” remarked Carol Keppler, who manages her own plus-size daughter’s“burgeoning” career. “The idea of dipping into my [...]

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New Little Laura Louse Doll Grows REAL Head Lice, Has World’s Tiniest Comb

By   /  April 17, 2013  /  OP/ED  /  No Comments

laura louse

They say the best ideas strike when you least expect. Just ask Jaclyn Nettles, the Brooklyn mother who, while watching her twin daughters playfully comb the dead lice carcasses out of each others freshly-deloused hair, came upon her idea for a lice-hosting doll. The doll, dubbed Little Laura Louse, grows real head lice (yes, REAL [...]

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Baby Girl Has Mother’s Eyes, Father’s Employment Status

By   /  April 17, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pretty baby

Five-month-old Kaylee Lee has her mother’s beautiful, sparkling blue eyes; and her father’s do-nothing, earn-nothing work ethic. “I hope those beautiful blue eyes make her some serious money some day, because she is easily the laziest, most unproductive baby I’ve met and believe me, I’ve met a lot of babies,” remarked Kaylee’s pediatrician, Lori Zabus. Kaylee’s [...]

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Front-to-Back Wiping Method Reversed by American Pediatric Association

By   /  April 9, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

The American Pediatric Association stunned parents everywhere yesterday by announcing the planned reversal of the front-to-back wipe, the longstanding, classic method for keeping clean the infant female genitalia. “You know, the whole front-to-back thing, as it pertains to the wiping of the female, uh…hoodilybob and the folds and whatnot, isn’t nearly as important as we [...]

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Caillou: What The F*ck is His Problem?

By   /  April 4, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

color bear trap caillou

Every precious child on this earth is an angel sent from heaven; one deserving of love, support, and compassion – no matter how irritating or ugly. Every child, that is, except Caillou, because what the fuck is his problem?! Some think Caillou’s near-unbearable awfulness is merely a symptom of being Canadian, while others contend that [...]

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HOME-SCHOOLED SIX-YEAR-OLD JOINS SOLITAIRE TEAM

By   /  April 1, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

solitaire kid

To all those who say home-schooled children are destined to spend their adult lives as lonely, detached, socially-awkward weirdos, meet Russell Madeiros: the (self-dubbed) pride and joy of the (self-named) West Eighty-Eighth Street Aces Solitaire Team. “Lots of people think that just because we’re taught at home by our mommy and daddy and don’t have [...]

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New Mom VERY Grateful For Mother-in-law’s Steady Stream of Unsolicited Tips, Advice

By   /  March 25, 2013  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

better mom

There is nothing a new mom – delirious from the thirteen consecutive sleepless nights – appreciates more than the onslaught of a mother-in-law’s unsolicited tips and detailed baby-tending instructions. Just ask Janice Tierney who, after giving birth to a colicky baby girl after thirty-seven hours of labor, can tell you. Mrs. Tierney’s mother-in-law, Ellen Tierney, [...]

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