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Hitler “A Dick,” According To Upper West Side Student’s Winning Book Report

By   /  October 31, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

hitler dick

Local Upper West Side twelve year-old Brian Galavan pulled no punches when considering the title for a recent assignment given to him at PS-334. The title, which teachers found to be insightful, concise, and perfectly accurate, was: “Hitler = dick.” “I had heard about the guy from my parents before, but after I really sat [...]

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Husband Poos Self During Wife’s Traumatic Delivery

By   /  October 30, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pooper with red eyes

They say there are two kinds of women in this world: women who defecate on the delivery room table, and women who lie about (not) defecating on the delivery room table. Apparently, there are two kinds of men out there as well: men who poo upon seeing the gore of childbirth, and men who do not. Unfortunately [...]

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IS YOUR TEEN ON GOD?

By   /  October 13, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

god freak

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. One minute your teenage child is the sullen, misanthropic jerk who hates everything about you that you’ve come to tolerate, and the next: they’re a wide-eyed, alert and happy God-freak; spewing nauseating positivity all over the place. There are no real answers for why this happens to teenagers (and their [...]

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Is Purell Killing You And Your Family?

By   /  October 13, 2015  /  RECENT ARTICLES  /  2 Comments

THE ANSWER JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. When was the last time you didn’t see a Purell dispenser? Can’t think of one? Well, that’s because for every thirty square feet of America, there are six Purell dispensers. But what, exactly, is Purell? And is it killing those who use it? Short answer? No, of course it isn’t killing [...]

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