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Japanese Company’s ‘Limited Edition Figit Spinners’ Actually Just Over-Stocked, Repackaged Throwing Stars

By   /  May 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

figit spinner final

A Japanese company is facing heavy fines and possible criminal charges for repackaging and selling its massive overstock of dangerous throwing stars. The throwing stars, sold as Limited Edition Figit (SIC) Spinners, has been blamed for serious (though non life-threatening), injuries in over twenty-six countries, including fourteen in the U.S. “The injuries have primarily been [...]

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Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   /  May 16, 2017  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” [...]

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Dad Jeans Top Button Perfectly Aligned With Belly Button

By   /  May 5, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

dad jeans copy

A Pelham, New York, dad proclaimed victory after perfectly aligning the top button of his light denim L.L. Bean dungarees with his belly button. “I have to give credit to the people at Beans [L.L. Bean], for making a terrific pair of slacks,” said 43-year-old Jason Messner. “They’ve got just the right amount of elastic [...]

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Upper West Side Private School Under Fire for New Slogan: ‘We’re Only as Successful as Our Stupidest Child.’

By   /  May 3, 2017  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

private UWS school

Briar Manor, the tony, 118-year-old Upper West Side private school, is facing a barrage of criticism from local parents and NY State Department of Education officials over what many are calling a callous and insensitive school slogan. The new slogan: ‘We’re only as successful as our stupidest child’ was unveiled Monday night at the school’s [...]

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Canadian Health Organization For Children Concerned Over New Fruit Snack.

By   /  May 1, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

fruit by the meter V2 FLAT

Representatives from Canada’s largest Children’s health advocacy group, Canadian Health Organization for Children (CHC), has requested a review by the Canadian Department of Health regarding New Fruuit By The Meter, citing steadily-rising obesity figures among young children. The Fruit snack, modeled after the popular Fruit By The Foot, contains three times the amount of sugars [...]

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Coke Snorted off Chuck E. Cheese Changing Table.

By   /  April 28, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

coke on table

A day at Chuck E. Cheese took a turn for the slightly-more-tolerable after local Irvington dad, Phillip White, discovered approximately one eighth of a gram of blow in his pants pocket from two nights prior. “I was so fucked up that night that I totally forgot I had any left!” said White, 28, in a [...]

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Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   /  April 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite [...]

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Inhibited, Inexperienced Sixteen-Year-Old Boy Finally Gets to Third With Himself.

By   /  April 21, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

red head with thumbs up

After three frustrating years of false starts and stinging self-rejection, Maplewood, New Jersey sophomore David Jenkins finally managed to get to third with himself, thanks to a couple shots of peach schnapps he snagged from his mom’s liquor cabinet. “At first I was like, ‘should I do it? Should I just go for it?’ …but [...]

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Father’s Talk With Young Son After Discovering Dirty Pictures on iPad Focuses Primarily on The Importance of Clearing His Search History.

By   /  April 20, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

jimmy search history

After discovering his young son’s Google search for ‘fat fat fat boobs’ and ‘naked sexy ladies,’ Larchmont, NY dad Jayson Aballera took it upon himself to have the much dreaded “talk” with his curious horn-ball son, nine-year-old Frankie. But what started as a well-intentioned and informal talk about respecting women and age-appropriate material devolved into the [...]

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