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Coke Snorted off Chuck E. Cheese Changing Table.

By   /  April 28, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

coke on table

A day at Chuck E. Cheese took a turn for the slightly-more-tolerable after local Irvington dad, Phillip White, discovered approximately one eighth of a gram of blow in his pants pocket from two nights prior. “I was so fucked up that night that I totally forgot I had any left!” said White, 28, in a [...]

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Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   /  April 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite [...]

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Inhibited, Inexperienced Sixteen-Year-Old Boy Finally Gets to Third With Himself.

By   /  April 21, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

red head with thumbs up

After three frustrating years of false starts and stinging self-rejection, Maplewood, New Jersey sophomore David Jenkins finally managed to get to third with himself, thanks to a couple shots of peach schnapps he snagged from his mom’s liquor cabinet. “At first I was like, ‘should I do it? Should I just go for it?’ …but [...]

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Father’s Talk With Young Son After Discovering Dirty Pictures on iPad Focuses Primarily on The Importance of Clearing His Search History.

By   /  April 20, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

jimmy search history

After discovering his young son’s Google search for ‘fat fat fat boobs’ and ‘naked sexy ladies,’ Larchmont, NY dad Jayson Aballera took it upon himself to have the much dreaded “talk” with his curious horn-ball son, nine-year-old Frankie. But what started as a well-intentioned and informal talk about respecting women and age-appropriate material devolved into the [...]

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