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Oh, China!

By   /   February 3, 2013  /   No Comments


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Oh, China!

I’m really, really freaked out about you China.

I’m not freaked out about much in this world yet. The dark…that’s a little scary. Big ugly people who want to kiss me and breathe right on my face…I’m not a big fan, really, but that’s more of a “disgusted by” than “freaked out by” thing.

But China. Shudder…

Have you ever seen a baby put something in his or her mouth, then pull it out and look at it? That’s a baby realizing that he or she has just had a taste of China. That’s a baby saying something like this to himself: “hmmm, I detect lead paint, notes of mercury, and,…is it….erythrosine? It is!”

I just don’t trust you China. I’m Sorry! (No I’m not). If it’s not the actual alloy that’s probably going to kill me someday, then it’s the paint that’s been slathererd onto that alloy by some eight-year-old kid working a triple shift. If it’s neither the actual alloy or the paint, then it’s the glue that holds all the shoddily-constructed pieces together. If by some miracle it’s NONE of those things, well…I’ll probably pass out from the toxic fumes used to print the box it came in. Don’t you guys have laws over there? Don’t you all have kids that you want to prevent from licking or eating your GNP’s? (Emphasis on the G).

I’m not the only one terrified by you, China. Read on…

My friend, Marty (nine months old, Libra, good guy), was telling me how he was happily sucking away on a pacifier one day, when he noticed that it was starting to taste funny. So he spits it out, looks at it, and he saw that he had actually sucked all the color off the nipple! They painted the nipple! Who does that?! Oh wait, you know who does that? Chinese manufacturers…that’s who. But wait. It gets worse.

So, Marty figures, “eh, what the heck, the damage is done,” and he resumes the sucking. A few minutes later the pacifier starts to taste funny again! So he spits it out and sees that he sucked through the rubber and hit the center of the pacifier, which was made of (brace yourself)….BONE! The center of the pacifier was actually some sort of bone! I shit you not. I don’t know if it was human bone, animal bone, or something else, but it doesn’t matter because THAT IS DISGUSTING!

So, grown ups, the next time you see one of us with our hand or fingers in our mouth (which we do primarily to keep Chinese things from getting in there), leave us alone and do not intervene; because our hands are nice and safe. We know where they’ve been. Ahhhhh. If you could fit your whole hand in your mouths, you’d do it too – because it’s very comforting. And I need comforting. Because China freaks me out.

So, until next time…I’m Gary. And you’re welcome.

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  • Published: 3521 days ago on February 3, 2013
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  • Last Modified: February 11, 2013 @ 6:04 am
  • Filed Under: OP/ED

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