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Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   /  April 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite [...]

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Inhibited, Inexperienced Sixteen-Year-Old Boy Finally Gets to Third With Himself.

By   /  April 21, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

red head with thumbs up

After three frustrating years of false starts and stinging self-rejection, Maplewood, New Jersey sophomore David Jenkins finally managed to get to third with himself, thanks to a couple shots of peach schnapps he snagged from his mom’s liquor cabinet. “At first I was like, ‘should I do it? Should I just go for it?’ …but [...]

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Father’s Talk With Young Son After Discovering Dirty Pictures on iPad Focuses Primarily on The Importance of Clearing His Search History.

By   /  April 20, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

jimmy search history

After discovering his young son’s Google search for ‘fat fat fat boobs’ and ‘naked sexy ladies,’ Larchmont, NY dad Jayson Aballera took it upon himself to have the much dreaded “talk” with his curious horn-ball son, nine-year-old Frankie. But what started as a well-intentioned and informal talk about respecting women and age-appropriate material devolved into the [...]

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Thirteen-Year-Old Boy’s Voice Changing – Into That of a Thirty-Six-Year-Old Cuban Woman

By   /  January 19, 2016  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

teen boy

For Katelyn and Stuart Johnson, It was of little surprise when their son, thirteen-year-old David, started speaking differently. After all, they watched their twin boys go through the very same thing years earlier when they were at the awkward age of thirteen. What did shock the Greenwich, CT, couple, however, was the extent of the [...]

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Henna Swastika Tattoo Calls Into Question Man’s Dedication to White Supremacist Group.

By   /  January 14, 2016  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

skinhead

A White Plains, New York white supremacist group is starting to have serious doubts about its newest member, Carl Johannsen, after it was discovered that the large swastika tattoo covering his back was actually not a permanent sign of his dedication, but rather a decidedly less permanent tattoo made of henna. “We was partaking in [...]

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Upper West Side African-American Women Adopting White Babies at Fever Pitch

By   /  January 13, 2016  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

af-am woman FLAT blurred

The next time you find yourself sitting on one of the benches at your favorite Upper West Side playground or park, take a good look around at the other moms. And then look at their child. Then look at the mom again. Now back at the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child. OK, did [...]

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Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Juggs Magazine and Penis Pump

By   /  December 20, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

better juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had asked his parents for, little Jimmy Campbell instead unearthed his father’s stack of Juggs magazines and a bright red, Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding an already uncomfortable situation was the four-year-old’s decision to parade the [...]

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Local Westchester Grandma a Total GILF

By   /  November 1, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

GILF

66-year-old grandmother Sharon Puzzaglia is a toal GILF, according to her 8-year-old grandson Jacob’s straight friends. “Oh yeah, Jacob’s gramma is definitely a GILF,” said 7-year-old Jimmy Vetere. “She has really big boobs and an awesome white hair wig.” Oddly enough, Jacob’s mom, Suzie, is most definitely not a MILF. Further proof that this sort [...]

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Hitler “A Dick,” According To Upper West Side Student’s Winning Book Report

By   /  October 31, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

hitler dick

Local Upper West Side twelve year-old Brian Galavan pulled no punches when considering the title for a recent assignment given to him at PS-334. The title, which teachers found to be insightful, concise, and perfectly accurate, was: “Hitler = dick.” “I had heard about the guy from my parents before, but after I really sat [...]

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Husband Poos Self During Wife’s Traumatic Delivery

By   /  October 30, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pooper with red eyes

They say there are two kinds of women in this world: women who defecate on the delivery room table, and women who lie about (not) defecating on the delivery room table. Apparently, there are two kinds of men out there as well: men who poo upon seeing the gore of childbirth, and men who do not. Unfortunately [...]

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