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Estate of Late Actor Ernest Borgnine Suing Makers of Mucinex Over “Blatant Appropriation of His Likeness”

By   /  April 15, 2018  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

mucinex borgnine

The family of the late academy-award winning actor, Ernest Borgnine, is suing the makers of the popular expectorant Mucinex, for their continued use of a green spokesblob that lawyers argue is a clear appropriation of the actor’s face and body type. Mucinex’ parent company, Reckitt-Benstiller, has relied upon the phlegm character in both TV and [...]

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Student Demand For Safe Schools Briefly Achieved By Not Being In One For Seventeen Minutes

By   /  March 14, 2018  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

for article

Students across the country today staged walkouts to both honor those slain in the recent Florida school shooting, but also to voice their demand for safety – achieving the latter only by physically vacating their schools. “It felt good to get out here and tell the supposed adults in this country that we’ve had enough,” [...]

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Westchester Woman Celebrates Cinco de Mayo By Making Brief Eye-Contact With Landscaper

By   /  February 7, 2018  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

jose rodriguez

Cynthia Hines, of Scarsdale, let her woke flag fly by initiating (and maintaining) 1.5 seconds of steady eye contact with landscaper, Jose Luis, as her way of celebrating Cinco de Mayo. “My hope is that this gesture helps to dispel the notion that people from Scarsdale are snobs or exclusionary in any way,” said Hines. [...]

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Japanese Company’s ‘Limited Edition Figit Spinners’ Actually Just Over-Stocked, Repackaged Throwing Stars

By   /  May 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

figit spinner final

A Japanese company is facing heavy fines and possible criminal charges for repackaging and selling its massive overstock of dangerous throwing stars. The throwing stars, sold as Limited Edition Figit (SIC) Spinners, has been blamed for serious (though non life-threatening), injuries in over twenty-six countries, including fourteen in the U.S. “The injuries have primarily been [...]

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Study Finds Certain Baby Formulas Causing Nut Allergies Later in Life For Boys, Crooked Tits For Girls

By   /  May 16, 2017  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

A recent study performed by the Taft Research Institute in Dallas, Texas, has found that boys may be prone to nut allergies as a result of being given certain baby formulas. The same study also revealed the possibility that girls may one day suffer from crooked tits. Crooked tits, which are sometimes referred to as “wonky-knockers” [...]

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Dad Jeans Top Button Perfectly Aligned With Belly Button

By   /  May 5, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

dad jeans copy

A Pelham, New York, dad proclaimed victory after perfectly aligning the top button of his light denim L.L. Bean dungarees with his belly button. “I have to give credit to the people at Beans [L.L. Bean], for making a terrific pair of slacks,” said 43-year-old Jason Messner. “They’ve got just the right amount of elastic [...]

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Upper West Side Private School Under Fire for New Slogan: ‘We’re Only as Successful as Our Stupidest Child.’

By   /  May 3, 2017  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

private UWS school

Briar Manor, the tony, 118-year-old Upper West Side private school, is facing a barrage of criticism from local parents and NY State Department of Education officials over what many are calling a callous and insensitive school slogan. The new slogan: ‘We’re only as successful as our stupidest child’ was unveiled Monday night at the school’s [...]

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Canadian Health Organization For Children Concerned Over New Fruit Snack.

By   /  May 1, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

fruit by the meter V2 FLAT

Representatives from Canada’s largest Children’s health advocacy group, Canadian Health Organization for Children (CHC), has requested a review by the Canadian Department of Health regarding New Fruuit By The Meter, citing steadily-rising obesity figures among young children. The Fruit snack, modeled after the popular Fruit By The Foot, contains three times the amount of sugars [...]

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Coke Snorted off Chuck E. Cheese Changing Table.

By   /  April 28, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

coke on table

A day at Chuck E. Cheese took a turn for the slightly-more-tolerable after local Irvington dad, Phillip White, discovered approximately one eighth of a gram of blow in his pants pocket from two nights prior. “I was so fucked up that night that I totally forgot I had any left!” said White, 28, in a [...]

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Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   /  April 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite [...]

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