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Upper West Side African-American Women Adopting White Babies at Fever Pitch

By   /  January 13, 2016  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

af-am woman FLAT blurred

The next time you find yourself sitting on one of the benches at your favorite Upper West Side playground or park, take a good look around at the other moms. And then look at their child. Then look at the mom again. Now back at the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child…the mom…the child. OK, did [...]

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Four-Year-Old’s Search For Hidden Gifts Instead Yields Dad’s Cache of Juggs Magazine and Penis Pump

By   /  December 20, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

better juggs

Desperately hoping to stumble upon the Polar Express Train set or the Angry Birds stuffed animals he had asked his parents for, little Jimmy Campbell instead unearthed his father’s stack of Juggs magazines and a bright red, Excalibur brand penis pump Saturday evening. Compounding an already uncomfortable situation was the four-year-old’s decision to parade the [...]

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Local Westchester Grandma a Total GILF

By   /  November 1, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

GILF

66-year-old grandmother Sharon Puzzaglia is a toal GILF, according to her 8-year-old grandson Jacob’s straight friends. “Oh yeah, Jacob’s gramma is definitely a GILF,” said 7-year-old Jimmy Vetere. “She has really big boobs and an awesome white hair wig.” Oddly enough, Jacob’s mom, Suzie, is most definitely not a MILF. Further proof that this sort [...]

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Hitler “A Dick,” According To Upper West Side Student’s Winning Book Report

By   /  October 31, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

hitler dick

Local Upper West Side twelve year-old Brian Galavan pulled no punches when considering the title for a recent assignment given to him at PS-334. The title, which teachers found to be insightful, concise, and perfectly accurate, was: “Hitler = dick.” “I had heard about the guy from my parents before, but after I really sat [...]

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Husband Poos Self During Wife’s Traumatic Delivery

By   /  October 30, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

pooper with red eyes

They say there are two kinds of women in this world: women who defecate on the delivery room table, and women who lie about (not) defecating on the delivery room table. Apparently, there are two kinds of men out there as well: men who poo upon seeing the gore of childbirth, and men who do not. Unfortunately [...]

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IS YOUR TEEN ON GOD?

By   /  October 13, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

god freak

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. One minute your teenage child is the sullen, misanthropic jerk who hates everything about you that you’ve come to tolerate, and the next: they’re a wide-eyed, alert and happy God-freak; spewing nauseating positivity all over the place. There are no real answers for why this happens to teenagers (and their [...]

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Boy With Two Daddies Desperately Needs a Male Role Model

By   /  August 24, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

gay kid

Seven-year-old Aiden Stevens has a daddy with whom any young boy would be thrilled. Unfortunately, he has another, equally excellent daddy; which means that, essentially, he is completely lacking in the masculine role model department. Lance Carson and Topher Grillo, partners for 12 years, adopted young Aiden in 2007. Since then, Aiden has not wanted [...]

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Minivan Sticker a Painful Reminder of Adopted Boy’s Place in Family

By   /  August 23, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

car with stickers

For as long as he can remember, Trang Silverberg’s parents have expressed their love and support for the adopted Korean 11-year-old, reassuring him that they will always love him just as much as his siblings. “They always say, ‘we love you just like your normal brother and sister!’ said Trang, in a recent phone interview. [...]

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Gifted/Talented Students to Get Longer Buses

By   /  August 20, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

long bus

It’s been three long years in the works, but the parents of the city’s gifted/talented have finally gotten their wish: longer buses for their brilliant children. “It just goes to show you, perseverance pays off – especially when the cause, or need, in this case – is such an obvious one,” said Gail Barton, whose [...]

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Woman Eight Months Pregnant Commits Massive Nip Slip

By   /  August 10, 2015  /  Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

nip slipper

Several Whole Foods shoppers and employees got an eyeful of areola Saturday afternoon thanks to Diane McCann’s gargantuan nip-slip. McCann, who is eight months pregnant, first (inadvertantly) introduced Whole Foods deli manager Darren Osten to her rogue nipple after bending over to retrieve the shopping list she had dropped in front of his deli case. [...]

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