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Japanese Company’s ‘Limited Edition Figit Spinners’ Actually Just Over-Stocked, Repackaged Throwing Stars

By   /  May 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

figit spinner final

A Japanese company is facing heavy fines and possible criminal charges for repackaging and selling its massive overstock of dangerous throwing stars. The throwing stars, sold as Limited Edition Figit (SIC) Spinners, has been blamed for serious (though non life-threatening), injuries in over twenty-six countries, including fourteen in the U.S. “The injuries have primarily been [...]

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Dad Jeans Top Button Perfectly Aligned With Belly Button

By   /  May 5, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

dad jeans copy

A Pelham, New York, dad proclaimed victory after perfectly aligning the top button of his light denim L.L. Bean dungarees with his belly button. “I have to give credit to the people at Beans [L.L. Bean], for making a terrific pair of slacks,” said 43-year-old Jason Messner. “They’ve got just the right amount of elastic [...]

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Canadian Health Organization For Children Concerned Over New Fruit Snack.

By   /  May 1, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

fruit by the meter V2 FLAT

Representatives from Canada’s largest Children’s health advocacy group, Canadian Health Organization for Children (CHC), has requested a review by the Canadian Department of Health regarding New Fruuit By The Meter, citing steadily-rising obesity figures among young children. The Fruit snack, modeled after the popular Fruit By The Foot, contains three times the amount of sugars [...]

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Coke Snorted off Chuck E. Cheese Changing Table.

By   /  April 28, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

coke on table

A day at Chuck E. Cheese took a turn for the slightly-more-tolerable after local Irvington dad, Phillip White, discovered approximately one eighth of a gram of blow in his pants pocket from two nights prior. “I was so fucked up that night that I totally forgot I had any left!” said White, 28, in a [...]

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Naive, Soon-To-Be Parents Wax on About Their Magical Pregnancy to Man With Spit-up in Eyebrow.

By   /  April 25, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

happy pregnant lady

An Upper West Side father of three was cornered by insufferably optimistic, soon-to-be parents, Grace and Hrishi Devi, Saturday morning during the young couple’s baby shower on West Eighty-Eighth Street. Dave Swartz, a co-worker of Hrishi, lamented that neither Grace nor Hirishi showed any signs of cooling it on the positivity and good cheer, despite [...]

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Inhibited, Inexperienced Sixteen-Year-Old Boy Finally Gets to Third With Himself.

By   /  April 21, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

red head with thumbs up

After three frustrating years of false starts and stinging self-rejection, Maplewood, New Jersey sophomore David Jenkins finally managed to get to third with himself, thanks to a couple shots of peach schnapps he snagged from his mom’s liquor cabinet. “At first I was like, ‘should I do it? Should I just go for it?’ …but [...]

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Father’s Talk With Young Son After Discovering Dirty Pictures on iPad Focuses Primarily on The Importance of Clearing His Search History.

By   /  April 20, 2017  /  RECENT ARTICLES, Today's Headlines  /  No Comments

jimmy search history

After discovering his young son’s Google search for ‘fat fat fat boobs’ and ‘naked sexy ladies,’ Larchmont, NY dad Jayson Aballera took it upon himself to have the much dreaded “talk” with his curious horn-ball son, nine-year-old Frankie. But what started as a well-intentioned and informal talk about respecting women and age-appropriate material devolved into the [...]

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Is Purell Killing You And Your Family?

By   /  October 13, 2015  /  RECENT ARTICLES  /  2 Comments

THE ANSWER JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU. When was the last time you didn’t see a Purell dispenser? Can’t think of one? Well, that’s because for every thirty square feet of America, there are six Purell dispensers. But what, exactly, is Purell? And is it killing those who use it? Short answer? No, of course it isn’t killing [...]

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By   /  August 6, 2015  /  RECENT ARTICLES  /  No Comments

bambi mom final

NINETY-NINE PERCENT of those cute animated films kids enjoy watching again and again carry the same disturbing message. AND IT DOESN’T EXACTLY MAKE US HUMANS LOOK GREAT.   Let’s think back to the Disney classic, Bambi. After little toothpick legs is born, there are essentially three life-changing (and life-ending) events: MAN setting fire to the woods, Bambi’s [...]

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