What was once a tastefully adorned, cozy nest for Isabella Wren has turned into a veritable dumping ground for stuffed animals, gaudy pillows, blankies, baby monitors, puppets, and assorted bric-a-brac; effectively forcing little “Izzy” to sleep on a hardwood floor with nothing more than a roll of Brawny paper towels and a thin dishrag to keep her comfortable.
Isabella’s parents, Jason and Eliza Wren, are well-known within their circle of friends and family to be notorious “hoarders” – a moniker the couple vehemently denies, despite multiple appearances on the popular show, Hoarders.
“We are collectors,” said Mr. Wren defensively. “There is a big difference there. Hoarders keep garbage, whereas what we have is anything but garbage. Are Beanie Babies garbage? Are commemorative Disney pillows garbage? Are limited edition…” he wheezed on, before the exhausted, obese fool was deservedly cut off.
What has upset friends and relatives most about their behavior, however, is not so much the hoarding, but rather, the affect the couple’s hoarding has had on their daughter, who now spends her nights among the dust bunnies and debris of their cluttered apartment.
“She has a perfectly good crib!” complained Eliza’s grandmother, Geraldine DeHennessey. “It breaks my heart to see her sleeping on the floor. Eliza and that husband of hers have their priorities all jumbled with their figurines and hummels and stuffed animals and whatnot.”
Mr. Wren, desperately grasping at anything that might help the couple save face, defended their actions by pointing out what the experts consider to be ideal sleeping conditions for an infant.
“Several parenting books recommend a rigid, firm sleeping surface for babies. What could be more firm than a hardwood floor? These same books also caution that an infant should never be surrounded by items which could inhibit air circulation or fall on the baby. What kind of parents would we be if we put Izzy in that over-flowing crib?”
“Mr. Wren does have valid points,” said Norah Flynn-Stone, author of the best-selling Rested Baby, Happy Parents book series. “But placing a child on the floor is not acceptable.
“Would it kill them to buy the girl a damn pillow?” added an anonymous friend of the couple. “I mean, the least they could do is splurge on double-ply paper towels, but of course they don’t even do that. It pisses me off.”