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Dear Ethiceer

By   /   November 5, 2012  /   No Comments

DEAR ETHICEER,

My husband and I have three beautiful, healthy children, and have both decided that three is enough. I suggested he get a vasectomy, while HE is pushing for me to have a tubal ligation (tubes tied). I maintain that after the pain and discomfort of bearing three children, the least he can do is volunteer for the vasectomy, but he will not budge… saying that the thought of any cutting “down there” is too upsetting. He is usually a very reasonable and level-headed partner, but we’re unable to figure this one out. What do you think?
- Signed, “Stumped”

DEAR STUMPY,

This is a tough one. And I can completely understand your position, but you’re failing to recognize one very basic human, male truth. MEN. ARE. PUSSIES. We are! Couple this with the specifics of a vasectomy (penis plus scissors) and you’ve got a real doozy. A double-dog lutz, if you will. But there is hope. You just need four things; A sleeping pill, a kitchen knife, a flashlight, and a pair of scissors (in that order). I think you know where this is heading. Because the reality is: home-vasectomies are incredibly easy to execute…and no experience is necessary, despite what the doctors might tell you.

First, get your hands on that sleeping pill. Ambien are decent, but if you can manage to track down an Elavil sleeping pill, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the “patient” won’t be waking up during the procedure. Once you’ve procured the pill and gotten him to sleep, remove the pants and get that flashlight, cuz we’re ready to go!

Remember those classic James Bond movies where there’s a bomb to be diffused, and old JB is trying to figure out if he should cut the blue wire or the red wire? And remember also that he’s right EVERY TIME somehow? Well, this is sort of like that. After you’ve used your kitchen knife (don’t forget to rinse it first!) to make the incision around the weenie area, find a thing to snip, and just go for it. But keep this in mind: After 007 has decided which wire to cut, he will, at the very last moment, do the OPPOSITE of what he first thought. So, once you’re CERTAIN that you’ve found the right thing to snip, snip the other one. And that’s it. You’re done!

When he wakes up, he may complain about being sore down there, and possibly even bleeding. If this happens, tell him that you performed oral sex on him all night, and that any soreness he may be experiencing is a result of that. Good luck!

- THE ETHICEER

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  • Published: 696 days ago on November 5, 2012
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  • Last Modified: November 5, 2012 @ 8:13 am
  • Filed Under: OP/ED

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