The Parenteer was invented in the March of 2012 by the highly-famous writer/designer, James Clunie. While waiting for a spot to open up on the Internet, Clunie physically printed (that’s right…PRINTED…. on real paper with real ink), fifteen 12-page, almost advertising-free issues of his Parenteer.
The paper, with a circulation of 8,000, was heavily distributed in one of Manhattan’s upper western-most neighborhoods: the Upper West Side. In fact, the paper was initially called The Upper West Side Parenteer until issue #9. Despite the paper’s appearance as a staffed, well-oiled literary machine, Mr. Clunie does all the writing; because to write under an assumed name makes an ass out of them, not him. Wait. That didn’t work very well, did it? Well, that’s because this last sentence was the work of Patrick O’wong, one of Clunie’s writers.
Is that picture really James?
No it is not. This individual was stolen from the Internet, given a Keith Hernandez-style beard, and slapped in front of a waterfall. Many people find Clunie’s true handsomeness to be far too intimidating.
Does The Parenteer accept advertising?
Yes. In fact, we would probably still be producing the real live printed version of The Parenteer if people weren’t so goddamn cheap and unwilling to part with their precious advertising dollars. “Oooh, I don’t know if I can afford to advertise in your paper,” they’d say. And then “Oh gee whiz, you didn’t get our check in the mail yet? That is so odd.” Really? how is it odd that we didn’t get the check you never sent? I think that makes perfect sense, actually. And then, “Well, an additional 8,000 customers didn’t show up at the store as a result of our ad, even though you said you print 8,000 papers – so we don’t think advertising works.” Seriously. If you ever need to convince yourself that most people are cheap and horrible, try selling ads (and then collecting payment) from your advertisers. BUT, if you would like to advertise on this website, simply send an email to email@example.com and we will gladly send you a rate card!
Is this really a one-man operation? Have you ever had employees?
Yes it is. And yes, we hired an advertising salesguy once. When he was being interviewed he said, “I can sell fire in hell, Jim.” (I hate when people call me Jim). I of course took this to mean that he was such an amazing selling machine that he could sell fire to people who already had fire…people who in fact were completely surrounded by FREE fire! Eventually, I realized that what he meant was, “I can only sell fire in hell, Jim.” Well, I’m not selling fire. And we’re not in hell. Every time I see a short man with a ten-year-old boy haircut wearing a coral necklace, I think of that guy…and it makes me very mad. So, no more employees. The Parenteer prides itself on non-collaboration. We (I), like it that way.
Do you accept writing submissions?
We do not, though we are genuinely appreciative of our readers’ enthusiasm and desire to contribute. It just never works out. Submissions in the past (before we instituted this “no submissions” policy), were either simply not funny, or had clearly been penned by somebody with a lot to get off their chest. “Here’s a story about my asshole landlord!” Uh. No thank you. Also, we figured that it’d only be a matter of time before we published an identical story to that one that Joe Dirtbag the brilliant credit-seeking writer sent to us once. You know, the story that he wrote and we stole: the one which we so gleefully published without flinging even one iota of credit or cash his way. Yuk…..people.
How often is The Parenteer updated?
Often! Like, every other day. This is so important to us that we even have a slogan (awaiting trademarking), that sits on the landing page header. It goes like this: “Updated almost daily. Check back often!”
If I were a venture capitalist (or just really rich), with five million extra dollars, could I buy a stake in The Parenteer?
Sure! Just shoot off an email to the address below.
Can I get back issues of The Parenteer?
Yes you can. For a price – because there are not a ton of printed, hard copies left. Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. In fact, you can email us with any questions or comments you might have. Don’t forget to hit “enter” after you’ve typed in the email address though. This is very important. Thank you for visiting The Parenteer. Check back often!