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Former Child Actor Finding Roles For Cowardly, Bald-headed Namby-pamby Whiners Hard To Come By.

old caillou

By   /   February 9, 2014  /   No Comments

Gary Coleman, Danny Bonaduce, Todd Bridges, Macaulay Culkin – we’re all too familiar with the struggles aging child actors encounter as they attempt the transition from child to adult actor. But the aforementioned had one thing going for them that Caillou does not. And that is: they were not reviled by millions of people, as Caillou most certainly has become.

“Caillou has two huge strikes against him,” said talent agent Melissa Hennessey of Hennessey & Coughlin. “Not only is he dealing with the classic child actor syndrome, which is traumatizing enough, but he is immensely disliked by boatloads of parents who only tolerated him because their children found him appealing. In fact, some parents consider their child’s eventual/inevitable hatred for Caillou to be a major developmental step – right alongside learning to walk, going to the potty, and reading.”

Adding to Caillou’s transitional difficulties is his grotesquely large, bald head, his beady eyes, and oddly misshapen body.

“He’s one goofy-looking motherfu*ker,” said Dr. Taylor Walker of Columbia Presbyterian Hospital in New York. “It’s only natural for a child actor to lose a little bit of that cuteness, as it were, but Caillou’s looks are downright disturbing.”

“His head is a disaster, obviously,” said an anonymous family friend. “But his mushy body is really something to see, too. Physically, he’s got nothing going for him whatsoever. He’s almost too weird looking to even be used as an extra, what with that long, skinny neck, gangly arms, the way he walks…it’s all just so terrible. He’s just awful in every way.”

Thanks to lucrative syndication contracts, Caillou, Caillou’s parents (with whom he still lives), grandparents, and sister Rosie have more than enough money to last the rest of their lives.

“Off the record? It’s more about pride than anything else,” said Caillou’s therapist, Dr. Saul Weiss. “He had life by the balls for all those years, and he wants a taste of that again. It’s understandable, and it’s certainly not uncommon.”

While Caillou’s career may be on indefinite hold, he will be featured in the upcoming issue of The New England Medical Journal, due out March 2014.

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