They say there are two kinds of women in this world: women who defecate on the delivery room table, and women who lie about (not) defecating on the delivery room table. Apparently, there are two kinds of men out there as well: men who poo upon seeing the gore of childbirth, and men who do not. Unfortunately for Dave Moynihan; any and all future accomplishments – no matter how grand or earth-shattering – will forever be tainted due to his inclusion in the poo group.
“It’s like that staunch, closeted Republican who got busted for being gay in the Minneapolis airport bathroom” [Larry Craig], said an anonymous nurse who was present at the pooing. “No matter what he might have done in his long career serving his constituency, here’s what’s going to be on his headstone: ‘Here lies old airport BJ-giver’ or whatever. This pooing incident is exactly the same thing! Maybe even worse, actually.”
The bowel detonation occurred early Friday morning, thirteen hours into Caitlin Moynihan’s lengthy labor, and approximately twenty minutes before the successful delivery of their baby.
“I guess all the chanting of ‘Push! Push! Push!’ was too much for a nervous dad-to-be who’d been drinking coffee for thirteen hours straight,” said Carolyn Norwood, a nursing assistant. “Plus, I heard him talking about the Fiesta Platter he had in the cafeteria a few hours earlier, which I’m sure didn’t help matters.”
“Delivery table defecation is very common,” said Dr. Elizabeth Lee, who has not treated any member of the Moynihan family. “Especially for women who have received epidurals, but defecation on the part of the husband, or any other member of the delivery team, is highly unusual.”
“I say, Shame on Dave for ushering his beautiful baby girl into this world under such conditions,” said family friend Eileen O’Reilly, who learned of the defecation via Ms. Moynihan’s Facebook update. “And shame on him for embarrassing his poor wife!”