Doctors at The Yastremski Medical Center in Grafton Iowa are scrambling to cover their collective behinds after committing what has to be one of the most insensitive birthing incidents in recent memory.
It started approximately halfway through Lara Holcomb’s delivery on Tuesday evening, when Nancy Lange, a junior member of the hospital’s OBGYN unit, began to complain about the “gross faces” and gutteral sounds uttered by Mrs. Holcomb during her otherwise inoffensive delivery.
“She was making this disgusting, twisted up Stephen Hawking face that was really gross,” said Lange. “And then, on top of that, she was screaming and moaning like she was in a horror movie. I mean, I get that it’s maybe a little uncomfortable, but c’mon, it’s not that bad. It was really upsetting the whole team. I think it’s like… when you’re at a restaurant, you don’t complain to the waiter because then they go back in the kitchen and put a bug in your soup or something. Same thing with us. If you piss us off during your delivery you might not get applesauce later. Or you end up with the wrong size slippers…that kind of stuff. It’s true what they say about OBGYN people. We really are incredibly vindictive.”
Instead of gently suggesting that Mrs. Holcomb face the wall (away from the delivery team) and keep the sounds to a minimum, which is standard hospital procedure, Lange suggested an oxygen mask, which the patient happily accepted.
“I thought they were worried for my health, so of course I accepted the oxygen. And it definitely did help. If I knew they were just trying to obscure my face, it would’ve upset me for sure, but at the time I didn’t know that.”
Forty minutes later, at approximately 9:45 pm, Mrs. Holcomb gave birth to Noah James, a beautiful, 13 pound baby boy.
“We were ecstatic,” said Mrs. Holcomb. “We had a perfect baby boy. If only the same could be said for our hospital experience.”
“They would not let her remove the oxygen mask,” said a clearly upset Carl Holcomb.
“They said, ‘Oh we’re just being careful.’ And ‘Oh,…It’s hospital procedure to ask that new moms keep the mask on until they leave the hospital grounds and are at least one mile away from the hospital and safely out of sight,’ but I saw a lot of new moms, and none of them had these masks on.”
It wasn’t until Holcomb overheard doctors joking about the delivery in the mens room that the truth came out.
“They were saying some pretty nasty stuff…all of which revolved around my wife’s post-delivery face. I’ll spare you their exact words. Suffice it to say, they were not kind.”
Repeated calls to hospital administrators were not returned, but one junior member of the delivery team had this to say: “We see some pretty horrible things here over the course of a typical day. Blood, gore, poo. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t look anywhere without gagging. The one place you expect to find some joy and relief is in the face of a new, beaming mom. But when that face looks like this lady’s, jesus effing christ…it’s a real let down.”