Saturday at exactly 12:30 PM marked the precise moment that five-year-old little dickhead Arthur Kroll went from a life of time-ins with intermittent (albeit frequent) time-outs, to a life of time-outs with intermittent time-ins. This the result of careful calculations on the part of his fed-up parents, who knew that once he hit hour 11,763, tow-headed little Arthur would become a boy who is statistically mostly good (but occasionally bad), to occasionally good (but mostly fucking intolerable).
His last act of brattiness, which was “to stretch out all of my underwear on the back of a dining room chair – to huge proportions – was what provided this final tipping point,” said a clearly upset Lisa Kroll, of 122 West 96th Street.
Some of Arthur’s more serious offenses over the last five years (23,526 hours) of his life – based on an estimated awake/asleep ratio of 14 wakeful hours/10 sleeping hours, are as follows:
Saying “shut-up,” belching “shut up”, telling the building doorman that he dressed like Cap’n Crunch, putting peanut butter in his sleeping father’s beard, blowing an air-horn in his baby sister’s face, putting rubber-bands on the baby’s head, using the baby’s head as a bongo drum, general baby-taunting, pouring milk on the cat, barking at the cat, letting the cat out of the apartment on purpose, dying the cat with easter egg food coloring, replacing the cat’s medication with caffeine pills, calling the fire department for no reason, calling an ambulance (also for no reason), telling classmates that his father proudly supports ISIS, calling the food delivery man “taco-face,” setting a pillow on fire, setting cotton balls on fire and throwing them out the window, dropping the TV remote in his underwear and daring the babysitter to fish it out, slapping his mother’s buttocks with a fly-swatter, smashing a lamp, hanging underwear from the chandelier, riding his bicycle in the house, riding his bicycle in the hallway, riding his bicycle in the laundry room, pushing a bicycle down the stairs, stealing bicycles, blaming bicycle thefts on little Asian girl down he hall, blaming bicycle thefts on little blind boy down the hall, re-purposing air horn for use on blind boy, drawing pictures of mom and dad wrestling naked, posting said naked drawings on mommy’s Facebook page, changing daddy’s Facebook status to read “I love tits!!”, drawing pictures of grandma naked, telling grandma that mom and dad told him she has 3 weeks to live but to not tell her, melting crayons in the microwave, melting plastic refrigerator letters in the microwave, throwing used diapers at pedestrians from bedroom window, complaining to his teachers that “daddy is on ganja”, kicking and smashing the oven door, stuffing bananas in the toaster slots, attempted murder, telling classmates that he has “ye olde polio,” calling the home-schooled boy across the street a future serial-killing jesus freak, calling grandma “wrinkle-puss,” mayhem.