When Max, he of the popular kids television show Max and Ruby, sat down to watch a little television on a recent rainy Saturday afternoon, he had no concrete plan in place to do away with his insufferable, bossy sister, Ruby. But upon watching the famous Fatal Attraction scene in which Glenn Close murders a bunny rabbit in a pot of boiling water, that all changed.
“I think this will be really really easy because I don’t need any special equipment or bullets or anything,” said Max, contacted last week from his Los Angeles home. “And it will cause Ruby a lot of pain, which she deserves because all she does all day long is push me around and tell me what to do. And she dresses me up in her dumb clothes. I hate playing dress-up but we always have to do what she wants to do because she acts like she’s my mother. Oh yeah, and her voice makes me want to hurt myself. I just hate it, and her…so much.”
Asked if he’s concerned about getting Ruby, who weighs several pounds more than he, on to the stove top and into a pot of boiling water, which he must then cover (and keep covered), until the initial thrashing and squealing has subsided, Max is not the least bit worried.
“I have that all taken care of,” Max said. “Ruby’s best friend, Louise, managed to get some of her mom’s special pills that will make Ruby sleepy. Once she’s fallen asleep it should not be hard to get her into the pot. Plus, Louise said she would help me lift her up on to the stove.”
Louise, who from the beginning of the series seven years ago, has been Ruby’s best friend and confidant, apparently finds Max’s sister to be as annoying and awful as everyone else does.
“Max is hardly the only one Ruby bosses around,” said Louise. “She is constantly telling me what to do, what to say, how to behave. I cannot stand that bitch. And I can only imagine what it’s like to be under the same roof as her. I would have wasted her a long time ago. I can tell you that much.”
“Ruby used to be ok,” she continue. “But once her parents fled the family and she started taking care of little Max, the maternal thing went into overdrive and she started nagging and bossing everybody in sight. Poor Max can’t go five feet without being corrected or ordered to do something for her selfish ass. I feel really bad for him.”
Bad enough to kill? Apparently so.
“We haven’t figured out all of the details, but I think we’re going to pretend to be making a pasta dinner or a water experiment or something…to get the water in the pot boiling without making her suspicious,” said Louise. “Then I’ll put the special pill in one of Ruby’s gluten-free cookies or cupcakes. When the water starts boiling, I’ll pull a chair out and have Ruby look into the pot. If all goes according to plan and the pill has started to make Ruby woozy and weak, which it should, Max and I will jam her into the pot headfirst, so we don’t have to hear her annoying screaming voice. If you think her regular speaking voice is obnoxious, you should hear her scream. It’s a terrible, terrible sound.”
The vast majority of parents contacted for this story view Ruby’s impending, probable demise favorably.
“It’s about fuc*ing time,” said Mallory Gleichen of West Orange, NJ. “I’ve always wondered why they had to make Ruby so damn pushy and controlling, because aside from Ruby, I actually kind of like that show, but that voice is so grating and whiny, it’s almost intollerable,” she said.
Max and Ruby is number two on parents’ “unwatchable list,” with the number one spot occupied by Caillou the little Canadian fu*kface, as Caillou has come to be referred.
“Maybe Max can pay that beady-eyed little freak a visit after taking care of Ruby,” said Gleichen. “That would be fantastic.”