Bribery didn’t work. Threats didn’t work. And no earplug known to man could quell the constant crying and whining 32-year-old Anil Sukhuja-Woon (no relation!) was faced with on a recent Friday evening. Fortunately, her husband Carl had recently installed the Dozen-500 Carbon Monoxide Redistribution system. Not fifteen minutes later, the children were silent – blissfully dozing away in various states of unconsciousness, allowing Anil to settle in for what would become a 13-hour Dancing With the Stars marathon on TBS (Very Funny!)
“When we hear stories about carbon monoxide, they’re usually very bad, death-ey stories,” said Dozen-500 representative, Carla Beresford-Lipswad. “But we thought, you know, maybe we can turn this negative thing into something that works to the advantage of the stressed, perpetually-aggravated parent who’s unable to calm their kid via more conventional means.”
The device, which captures the small, latent amount of carbon monoxide present in most homes and then redistrubutes the gas in larger doses – depending on the parent’s specific needs – comes on the heels of the hugely successful chloroform-emitting Pokey Elephant.
The Pokey Elephant is an inocuous-looking blankie with the head of a elephant. When the elephant’s nose is squeezed, small puffs of chloroform are released, lulling a fitful child to sleep almost instantly.
For the thousands of parents who have benefitted from both the Dozen-500 and the Pokey Elephant, there are, as one might expect, many detractors.
“What happened to letting children learn to fall asleep on their own?” asked the buzz-killing child behaviorist, Amanda Peters, (referring to the Pokey Elephant). “Giving a kid a blankie that relies on chemicals to get them to sleep is really not that different than forcing a sleeping pill down a child’s throat, is it?”
Molly Entwistle, the 32-year-old mother to 2-year-old twin boys, takes particular exception to the Dozen-500.
“At first I thought, ‘this has to be a joke, right?’ But then I thought, ‘but wait, it’s NOT a joke, it’s real! And then I thought, but it sure seems like a joke because how can a company really advocate the use of carbon monoxide as a means of controlling your child?! It’s really unbelievable (if in fact it IS real and not a joke, which i’m not entirely sure of). But I’m pretty sure it IS real because, you know, what kind of sick bastard would come up with this stuff as a joke, right?”
The makers of both products strongly recomment the purchase of only one of their products, as combining Pokey Elephant with the Dozen-500 may, in the word’s of an anonymous company spokesman, cause “horrifying results”. The Dozen-500, which retails for $295, is available via the company website.At the time of this writing, there is a six week waiting list for both products.