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NRA Unveils New Line of Adolescent Body Armor For Upcoming School Year

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By   /   July 11, 2013  /   No Comments

In what many consider to be the only reasonable, viable solution resulting from the spate of school shootings that shocked the world last year, the NRA has finally allowed the public a sneak-peek at the adolescent body armor prototypes it has been so hard at work producing.

NRA Vice President, Wayne “halitosis” LaPierre, spoke with great pride (through his trademark spittle-caked lips), about the NRA’s commitment to keeping America’s children safe, no matter what.

“Sometimes you just have to do the right thing,” said LaPierre. “And sometimes that means putting the lives of children before profit.”

The body armor, of which the NRA plans to produce tens of thousands of units, was met with cheers and a standing ovation when shown to the 100+ members of the press yesterday at the Washington DC Marriot Extended Stay Hotel.

“I was floored. Absolutely floored,” said Dwight Yastremski, a reporter with the Missoura Free Press. “The renderings are just beautiful. If the final product looks even half as wonderful as the renderings, what with the shininess and gleam, boy oh boy…it’s a great time to be an American child!”

Yesterday’s warm reception comes on the heels of another recent, highly-publicized win, thanks to the go-ahead NRA officials received just two weeks ago allowing production to commence on “super bullets,” which are said to be powerful enough to penetrate “any and all metals…guaranteed,” according to the NRA website.

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