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Obese Children Empty Community Swimming Pool With Cannonball Contest

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By   /   August 14, 2012  /   No Comments

The community swimming pool at Amsterdam and 102nd Street will be closed until further notice after Saturday’s cannonball contest which, unfortunately, was attended by several enormous children.

“One minute, everything is fine,” said Carlos Rivera, a regular at the popular swimming spot. “But then, all of a sudden I look over and the water is almost gone! In a matter of about seven or eight minutes these fat kids completely drained the pool. It was unbelievable.”

Neighborhood swimmers and sunners weren’t the only victims of the fat cannonballers, as the diving board, which has withstood years of diving and flipping (and yes, cannonballing), buckled under the weight of the extraordinarily large Rotunda Williams, age seven.

“She’s a real sweety, that Rotunda,” said longtime Upper West Sider Margie Carlson. “But damn, she needs to lay off the pop and the chips and the cookies. It’s sad.”

The fourteen cannonballers, who will not be charged with any crime – but have been told to stay away from the pool until August 15, were upset by the pool’s closing, but were unwilling to accept any blame.

“We can do a cannonball if we want to do a cannonball. It’s a free country!” said “little” Thomas Cantiera, age 11. Several of the other huge cannonballing boys and girls echoed Cantier’s sentiments.

Asked if they had any ideas on how to keep cool now that their neighborhood pool is temporarily off-limits until mid-August, most of the children simply shrugged their fat little shoulders. Except for Rotunda. “The pool over at Riverside and 110th is a big pool. It will take a long time to splash the water out of that one!”


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