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Personalized “Self-Elf” Keeps Adults On Their Best Holiday Behavior

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By   /   December 3, 2014  /   No Comments

What if there were a tiny little you perched up on your living room bookcase, watching your every move this holiday season? Would its presence make you think twice before reaching for that ninth piece of double-nut fudge? Would it instill enough shame to make you reconsider “topping off” your eggnog with the whiskey flask you keep hidden under the couch cushion whenever the wife runs to the bathroom or goes to check on a boiling pot? Well, the makers of the new Self-Elf (courtesy of  the same people who brought us the wildly successful Shelf Elf), sure hope so.

If the idea of creating a miniature you to keep you on your toes seems exceptionally strange and complicated, you’re only half right. It is strange, of course, but the actual process of getting your very own “you” elf is staggeringly simple.slut glut flat“If you can take a picture of yourself, you can have your own Self-Elf,” said Self-Elf spokesperson Topher Fromme (no relation to Manson family devotee and murderer, Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.)

“It really is…that easy. Once we have received your photo, it’s digitally transferred onto the waiting face of the elf. Then it’s simply a matter of adjusting the amount of elf stuffing, based on the weight the customer has provided. Admittedly, this stuffing step is where we take some liberties, as we feel we owe it to our customers to fatten-up their elf as a sort of cautionary effigy. It’s a way of saying, “Hey look! You’re already kind of a fat ass – you really wanna pork up even more? Sure, you may only weigh in at 175, but you’ll be a lot less likely to fill your pockets with cookies if the “you” looking down at you is busting out of his red pants.”

Not unlike the elf that inspired it all, Self-Elf has its fair share of detractors, as many take issue with the very concept of guilting a person into responsible behavior.

“We’ve gotten to the point, as a society, where common sense and good judgement cannot be attained without some sort of physical guilt-giver,” said life coach and personal concierge, Patricia Krenwinkle. “Shouldn’t we be able to self-monitor without such silliness? It’s one thing for a child to be reminded that Santa has a spy in the room, but does an adult really need such a thing?”

Susan Atkins, the spokeswoman for Overeaters Anonymous, could not disagree more.

“As anybody struggling with an addiction or destructive behavior will tell you – nothing is off limits – so long as it works and is a healthy means of abstaining from their particular poison. Period. In a perfect world, there would be no need for the Self-Elf, but this is far from a perfect world.”

“It’s no coincidence that millions of New Years resolutions follow so closely on the heels of the holidays,” said Fromme. “It’s a time when excess and overindulgence are the order of the day. We’re just helping people get through it as painlessly as possible.”

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