Upon delivering the news to friends and relatives regarding the impending addition to their family, Christine and Dirk Lynch were repeatedly offered this sage advice: GET A DIAPER GENIE! What the couple didn’t expect, however, was that the incredibly popular diaper disposal contraption would one day house a repulsive, obnoxious Genie – a chain-smoking, belching Genie maniacally hell-bent on ripping open poo-ey diapers and creating such a racket so as to make sleeping impossible for the entire family.
“It ain’t ‘I Dream of Genie’, that’s for sure,” said the disgusted new dad. “Between the smoking, the BO, the perpetual stench of Kimchee and you-know-what [excrement], it’s been utterly appalling. If it hadn’t been a gift from my late mother, we would have tossed it immediately, but I can’t bring myself to do that,” he said.
The Genie, who goes by the name Latanya, made her presence known approximately one week after the device was placed in the corner of the couple’s new baby room.
According to Mrs. Lynch, they started hearing strange noises through the baby monitor, and soon discovered they were emanating from, of all places, the Diaper Genie.
“One night we’re lying in bed and we start hearing these very loud, echoing belches and farts coming from little Kaylee’s bedroom. At first we thought ‘Gee, she’s a burpy, gassy little girl!,’ but then the voices started. We’d hear very explicit curse words…unintelligible, crazy-person rants, everything. Finally, we figured it out…we have a Genie in the Diaper Genie!”
And what a Genie she is.
According to several neighbors interviewed for this story, the smell is by far the biggest issue, which is a mix of menthol cigarette smoke, the aforementioned Korean food staple, kimchee, (sometimes simply referred to as “rotting cabbage”), both forms of human waste, and a strange burnt plastic odor suspected to be either crystal methamphetamine or crack cocaine - which may account for Latanya’s seemingly non-existent sleeping pattern.
“I guess I’ve always assumed that the role of a Genie was to grant wishes or benefit their owner somehow,” said Mr. Lynch. “Yet Latanya’s sole purpose seems only to revolve around making our lives miserable. At this point we’re hoping her terribly unhealthy lifestyle leads to a premature death. That sounds horrible, but I don’t care. She’s ruining our lives.”
Unbeknownst to most people, Genies tend to live forever, regardless of how poorly they take care of themselves; a fact that Mr. Lynch has not yet shared with his wife.
“Honestly? I’m fu*king terrified to tell her [Mrs. Lynch] about the eternal life thing. I think she’s going to lose her you-know-what if I tell her.”