For Katelyn and Stuart Johnson, It was of little surprise when their son, thirteen-year-old David, started speaking differently. After all, they watched their twin boys go through the very same thing years earlier when they were at the awkward age of thirteen. What did shock the Greenwich, CT, couple, however, was the extent of the change.
“We assumed David would just start speaking in a lower register, said forty-five-year-old Katelyn. “But when he started sounding not unlike a sassy thirty-something Cuban woman, it really threw us for a loop. At first we thought he was messing with us but he has, and continues to, assure us that he cannot help himself.”
“This type of thing is actually not all that rare,” said child behaviorist Dr. Fredrique Lynn, (not to be confused with former Red Sox center fielder, Fred Lynn). “Sometimes various voices from a child’s unconscious infiltrates the vertical register and then, who the fuck knows what can happen? I’ve seen boys start speaking like Bob Dole, Bobcat Goldthwaite, even the awful Ray Romano. That was absolutely atrocious.”
As of this writing, The Johnsons have no concrete plans for how to deal with their son’s condition, though they are considering shock therapy.
“I mean, come on…this is Greenwich,” said Mr. Johnson. “Carrying on like a spunky Cuban lady will not get you very far in this town.”