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ABC Gum Fails to Delight

By   /   November 16, 2012  /   No Comments

The only thing that could possibly measure up to five-year-old Aaron Kellog’s promise of sweet, tropical fruit doing backflips inside his excited, virgin mouth, was the massive disappointment which ensued mere seconds into chewing his special, overhyped ABC gum – gum which his older brother, Dylan, had sworn would be the most delicious gum he’d ever tasted.

“My bother said it would be really good,” said Kellog. “But it wasn’t. And it didn’t just taste yucky, because it was really stiff and kind of hard to chew, too. He said that I should keep chewing and chewing because the flavor is in the very center and you have to chew really really hard to get to it, but I chewed and chewed and it never got delicious. I did bite into a little piece of something that I thought was fruit, but it was really a piece of cracker but that wasn’t good because I don’t like crackers in my gum.

“Gee, I just don’t know what could have happened,” said eleven-year-old Dylan. “But it sure is shocking that his ABC gum didn’t have any flavor left, isn’t it. Hmmm.”


The gum, manufactured by the Quimby Gum Company of Landsford Penn., is well-known for its long-lasting tropical flavors. Repeated calls to the Quimby headquarters were not returned.

“My brother and his friends told me I should try these chewing exercises they showed me – to help me get to the flavor core they keep talking about,” said Aaron. “And I’m going to do them because I really want to taste all this flavor they keep talking about! They said if I do my mouth exercises and chew and chew really hard, all day long, it will work. And then, after that, he said he’ll teach me how to play fifty-two-card pickup. A game of daring and skill, he says. He’s so awesome.”


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